the MUTANT vol 4 issue 3
8-11-2000
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This Issue's Identify That Movie Quote: "Sounds like somebody's got a case
of the Mondays!"
(answer to last issue's quote: various characters, "BASEketball")
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[logging on...]

You've been living with an empty pit in your stomach that no Cheez-Wiz
could fill.  You've become grouchy and taken to torturing flies as a
hobby.  You find yourself staring at a blank computer screen for hours at
a time, ignoring those pesky demands from the police to open the door.
There's been something missing in your life that you just... couldn't...
pinpoint.

It's been us.  We're sorry, but we took a month off there to relocate our
office.  The story begins back in July with a call from the Colorado
governor, Bill Owens.  He said something to the effect of, "Because of
your failure to pay state taxes and also the defacing of Pike's Peak, The
National Guard is on its way to destroy the MRFH offices and slowly
torture all the staff members.  Just for fun, we're giving you a five
minute head start."  Well, this just did not sit well with most of us, who
were recovering from an all-night Doritos/Diablo II bender.  I had the sad
duty to inform the troops.

"Guys," I said, stepping over the bloated corpse of our secretary.  "We
gotta move.  Now.  Code Red, get going."

As always, PoolMan leapt up and spouted more incomprehensible
French-Canadian gibberish.  I think he calls me names to my face, but
that's okay, since I've been slowly poisoning his Twinkie rations.  Kyle
fainted dead away, the poor boy.  Too young to fight in a war, too old to
be sold for child labor on the black market.  Andie rolled her eyes and
continued to peruse her latest issue of Teen Cosmo.

So, the Mutant Reviewers From Hell packed up and left.  Using U-Haul
helicopters, we airlifted the entire office complex away.  We drew straws
and then decided to leave toni behind to be tortured and thus give us more
time to escape.  Mental note: get her a gift certificate to McDonald's for
the sacrifice.  As the Rocky Mountains faded in the distance, a tear
slipped from my eye, and PoolMan read a poem for the now-deserted location
of MRFH Base One.  Family decency prohibits me from reprinting that poem
here, but rest assured it contained many naughty words and at least one
reference to Al Gore.

And now we have landed and set up shop in the one place where no branch of
the armed forces would ever dare set foot: downtown Detroit.  MRFH Base
Two is running at 89% capacity, at least until we get cable back.  It's
different and dangerous, but you can be happy that MRFH is back in action,
working hard to provide you with brain junk food.

Interesting piece of MRFH trivia: in the over four years that we've been
operating the site, we have never gone longer than a month without
updates.  In other words, the site has never been down for very long.
That's a testament to both the lack of my social life and the dedication
of all the reviewers who work hard at bringing you consistantly
eye-raising reviews.

On our way back to the midwest, we made a pitstop in Texas and picked up a
new correspondant named Clare.  After she handcuffed herself to our RV, we
decided that she could tag along.  First, she was just going to be a new
mascot, after Kyle ate our old one (poor Fluffy...).  But then Clare
amazed us with tactical knowledge of our own nerve pressure points, and we
unanimously decided to give her a promotion.  My left arm is still
twitching, by the way...

Welcome Clare as she comes on board this next week with her initial
reviews.  She's also getting a head start in dumping her polluted psyche
on the readership.  Clare calls these her 10 Monthly Obsessions, although
we are seriously going to freak out if one of them ever says "PoolMan's
head".

Here are the top ten things that Clare can't live without:

01)  dark haired Irish boys from West Philly named Edward

02)  the people on "the hand"

03)  good beer and good coffee depending on the time of day

04)  James Dean movies

05)  "The Little Prince" (the book, not the movie)

06)  chili cheese fries

07)  comfy bed, clean sheets, heap of covers

08)  laughter that makes you hold your guts, slap your legs and pee
yourpants.

09)  The Simpsons

10)  good, tight, loud, fast, rock and/or roll.

So until next time, love and poison monkeys.
Head Mutant Justin