the MUTANT vol 4 issue 6
3-26-2001
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This Issue's Identify That Movie Quote: 
"Eastman!  He came out of the east to do battle with the Amazing RANDO!"
(answer to last issue's quote: E.L., "Road Trip")
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2001 73rd Academy Awards Diary

Let's set the record straight: I never like the Academy Awards, yet I have
a strong tradition of enduring the now four-hour-plus ceremonies year
after year.  It's an exciting ceremony, yes, but the breakdown usually
ends up:

* Films and stars that I actually like and rooted for: 2%
* Useless dance numbers that make you think you're watching the Olympics:
14%
* Cuts to Jack Nicholson in the front row: 5%
* Artsy-fartsy films, tearjerker chick flicks, "triumphs of the human
spirit", and other crap I would never be caught dead seeing, never mind
cheering for: 81%
* Julia Robert's teeth: 6%

So I figured that if I watched, I might as well take a few notes.  So cast
back your minds to this rather insignificant night as we do the recap
thing.

7:49pm - Joan Rivers on E!.  I could only stomach about a half minute of
her raving and insane comments.  I can't grasp the fascination with this
mouthy, opinionated, and just plain shrill woman.  Where's Carrot Top to
distract me from such annoyances?

8:15 - Julia Roberts appears on the countdown show.  All I can think is
that it would be pure bliss for her to be denied the best actress Oscar.
"You don't deserve diddly-squat, bass mouth!" I yelled at the TV.  I bet
she could act up some terrific waterworks if she lost.

8:24 - They interview Bjork, who sounds like a Smurf on helium.  "I ting
muzik!" Cute little forest elf.

8:30 - The Oscars begin.  I prep myself by thinking that in the time that
it will take to watch this, I could easily see all three Naked Gun
films.

8:31 - Mike Meyers cracks me up by trying to dodge the camera.

8:35 - Cool 2001 intro, followed up with a shot of the real space station
module.  I can't believe they managed this.  Alas, Steve Martin starts out
with a slew of lame duck jokes.  He does get a good zinger in to Russell
Crowe, who looks like he needs some coffee and a sense of humor.

8:41 - The Julia adoration officially begins.  I'm glad I haven't eaten in
a while.

8:44 - Martin mentions Dude, Where's My Car?, which I feel is the
highlight of the night.

8:48 - Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon gets its first Oscar, which I feel
is the highlight of the night.  Noone is sure what the guy who accepts the
award says, but it's still touching.

8:54 - Britney Spears, continuing in her quest for world domination,
enlists the Pepsi Army to help take over the Academy Awards.  Suddenly,
the 12-35 male demographic has jumped up a few hundred percent.

9:02 - As we're watching the award for Best Animated Short Movie, the
not-rare thought crosses my mind, "Why do they have all these categories
that we don't care about, instead of more awards for FILMS WE'VE ACTUALLY
SEEN?"  Then I remember that we have the Annual Mutant Awards, and my
pulse goes down.  It's also humorous to note that Sting sings a song from
a Disney cartoon that was notable, mainly, for not having musical numbers.

9:18 - Angelina Jolie, looking way more stunning than she did last year
(when she appeared as Vampira).  Mom, can I have one of those?

9:27 - Mike Meyers further proves that you could put him on a deserted
island for two hours and he'd be WAY more entertaining than Tom Hanks.

9:33 - Finally!  Someone figured out how to make the long song nominations
durable: martial arts!  While not as fast-paced as the movie, the
dance/fight sequence is incredibly entertaining.

9:36 - Honestly, why don't they just get it over with and construct a
large golden cow in the likeness of Julia Roberts and sacrifice their
firstborn?  I really feel sorry for all the other best actress nominees,
'cause they ain't getting minute one of air time next to Ju Ro.

9:53 - This cinematographer guy gives a really dignified speech.  And not
one mention of Julia Roberts, amen.

10:06 - Has anyone heard of any of these nominated best songs?  I know
it's not a particularly strong category, but when you're dipping into such
films as The Emperor's New Groove and Meet the Parents for BEST SONGS, you
might just want to re-nominate one of the South Park musical numbers
instead.

10:19 - Goldie Hawn is talking, so I can ignore her and jot down a thought
here.  Oh, now she's messing up and her collagen-injected lips are
leaking.  Oh well.  Anyway, as I was about to say, this awards ceremony is
strikingly different than past years.  No long intros, no meaningless (yet
sometimes fun) nostalgia montages, no costume changes for Steve Martin.
It's been bam-bam-bam, award, award, song, award, award.  One might
actually think it might end at its predicted time (11:30).  I also kinda
like the 2001-inspired stage designs.  It's a lot less gaudy this year,
and I like that.  The show still sucks, tho.

10:29 - They re-show a slightly different version of the Britney Spears
Pepsi commercial, and I got a huge laugh out of seeing Bob Dole at the
end.  He's got a great sense of humor, and I think we should make him an
honorary mutant.

10:33 - During the Dino De Laurentis presentation, they use some of the
score from Army of Darkness (one of the films he produced).  See?  Cult
makes its way to the Oscars any way it can.

10:44 - The Obituary part of the show is always a bit morbid and
fascinating.  Sometimes I don't know that these people had died.  But as
always, you know you're more important if you have your picture at the end
of the montage.  Bye Obi-Wan and a Grumpy Old Man.

10:53 - Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon wins best foreign film (and it's
swept a number of other categories as well).  Presenting are Jack Valenti
(MPAA dictator and my personal arch-nemesis) and a woman who seems to be
engulfed by carniverous strings of pearls.

11:01 - Bob Dylan wraps an utterly incomprehensible song, and the audience
loves it.

11:06 - Hillary Swank continues to look freaky.  She takes time from her
presentation to CONTINUE her thank-yous from LAST YEAR.  It's over, babe,
stop living in the past!

11:08 - Russell Crowe, looking glum, accepts best actor for a role that he
spent looking glum.  Remember, the Academy loves brooders.  At least Tom
Hanks didn't win for a really overrated role.

11:22 - I'm fully convinced this screenwriter guy is an android, or
William Shatner in disguise, for all... the... pauses he... gives.

11:26 - Whoppee.  Julia Roberts won.  And I get the honest, icky
impression that she won more for being a sweetie pie than actually being
the best actress of the whole year.  She's a Care Bear for the Academy,
and I'll let it go at that.  If Shakespeare in Love could beat out Saving
Private Ryan, then Roberts can win for this.

11:31 - And only Julia can get away with a five minute acceptance speech,
blatantly telling the conductor to sit down.  Which was pretty cool,
except that we had to listen to her ramble on for five minutes.

11:49 - See, when it's already three and a half hours into it, the thrill
dies somewhat.  I'm tired.  I want to go to bed.  I'm dearly hoping that
next year will see a much more interesting race, with better films.  And
Gladiator wins, surprise.  What a sad commentary on the lack of good films
this past year.

IN RETROSPECT (the day after): I appreciate the Academy keeping the air
time down to a paltry 3hrs 30mins, but it really had the feel of a
second-class show.  Steve Martin, funny and entertaining, had too little
of a stage presence (and none of the gags that Billy Crystal used to pull)
and nothing contraversial happened (unless you count Jennifer Lopez's
breasts, but what is new?).  No big upsets, no massive wins... in 2001,
the Academy played it safe.  Next year, let's hope that Final Fantasy
sweeps all the categories!