How to really watch that movie!

Do you ever get to a point in your life when really, all you ever want to do is watch movies? It seems to come after an onslaught of business, stress and fun. Me, personally, I’ve had a crazy senior year, filled with the most intense studying and the craziest stories and adventures (have you ever driven five hours at midnight just to go jogging in Philadelphia at sunrise? No, I think not. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, baby!). After all that, I got to a point where really, I was just tired. I was tired of crazy, soon-to-be-nostalgic stories and I was tired to having to stay up until five in the morning studying. Now, it’s time to nap. All summer. One, big, long nap. I’ve been renting movies and reading books and doing puzzles all over the place. I’ve become an expert at living a life of leisure.

Which made me realize one thing. You can’t just… watch a movie anymore. That’s something you do when you’re bored. You have to watch a movie! You have to get hyped up, and you have to get prepared. You do not, I repeat, you DO NOT just pop in Pretty In Pink because you have nothing else to do. That, my friend, is a severe insult to the Duckman (who deserves a spin-off sequel, and don’t you dare tell me that Two And A Half Men is that). You put on your pink bathrobe. You invite over your red-headed friend who gets emotionally riled up about issues concerning equality and financial stability. You get a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake with a box of Lucky Charms and sprinkle them on top of the ice cream for magically delicious treat.

Oh, that sounds nice, you say, but you’d never be able to figure out how to REALLY watch that movie? Well, that’s why your good ol’ friend Nancy is here! She’s seen em all, she’s worn them all, she’s hung out with them all and she‘s eaten it all. And she will be glad to tell you how to really get the most out of your movie watching experience on these lazy summer days.

I’ll be open to suggestions over on the forums, but for now, let’s start these rolling with ten necessary movies -

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY

A delightful love story that sends your heart a-flutter in normal ways. The romance is not contrived or overdone; it all seems very realistic, very true-to-life. Perhaps not all best friend duos end up married, but most couples function in exactly the way Harry & Sally function. Therefore, there is a vibe of “realism” that falls over the entire movie watching experience, which makes you tilt your head and say “Huh. Life could happen like this.”

The Friend: Males - Don’t be the guy who invites your platonic friend over and shimmies closer to her on the couch. Make sure that you guys have already fallen in love, so you can look back on the days when your relationships was hidden under the guise of friendship. Ladies - Bring over that partially bitter friend of yours, the one who hates chick flicks because they are nothing like real life, at all. Use this simple, sweet tale as a trap into the chick flick world.

The Snack: Oatmeal Cookie Crunch with French Toast Crunch. A good combination because they are both sugary-sweet and homestyle breakfast-y. It’s reminiscent of the kind of meal Harry & Sally would eat if they, say, met up at a diner on a warm Autumn morning.

The Bathrobe: Go with something plaid and home-y. Come on now, act like your forty.

THE NEVERENDING STORY

This film was chosen basically so I could inundate you with sugar. A delightful romp rooted completely around the concept of ‘fantasy’, a good contradiction against the excessively healthy experience in When Harry Met Sally (Yes, I just called Oatmeal Cookie Crunch with French Toast Crunch on top ‘too healthy’. Yes, that is what my life is like.)

The Friend: The best bet for this film I’ve found, ironically, is not someone who can take this movie for face-value. Because those people are either a) three years old or b) too nostalgic about being three years old. For a movie-watching experience filled with fun conversation, choose a friend who is either incredibly sarcastic about all of the silliness that occurs in this film, or overly and (usually) annoyingly intellectual, who will make up some metaphor about how Rock Man represents loneliness and the Luck Dragon represents unity and it’s all just a metaphor for suffrage.

The Snack: Go absolutely hog-wild, kids. I’m telling you, put the most sugar possible in your body. I’d suggest Magic Brownies (emphasize the idea that you don’t need drugs with this movie) and sprinkle with Fruity Pebbles. The fruity color of the pebbles with highlight the raspberry swirl in the otherwise chocolate treat. And you’ll need colors when you are watching this flick.

The Bathrobe: Either tie-dye, glitter or hologram.

DEAD ALIVE

This film is perfect for this analysis, because it’s one that is really not about the movie itself, but about the experience surrounding the movie. You watch this film with your friends, you laugh at the zombies, and you take it all with a grain of salt and enjoy silly good times.

The Friends: You all have them. One out of five people loves cheesy horror, and that is a FACT*. Get them all together and prepare them for a rollicking good time. Disclaimer - Around the middle, with the zombie sex and the zombie babies, it will seem a bit too out-there for die-hard zombie flick fans. So choose the kids who won’t mind a little humor splashed in with their carnage.

The Snack: This is difficult, because of one of the earlier scenes, with the Mom zombie not being fully aware that she’s a zombie and the tapioca….yeah. So, anything white is out. Normally, I would just suggest pizza, as it is simple and cliché for this sort of event. However, we are doing an ice cream and cereal type thing here, and I have to abide by that. I would suggest something dark colored, with chunks, but minimal chucks. While watching a horror movie, something smooth and silky could remind you of blood or mucus, while something overly chunky could be reminiscent of vomit or crushed bones from the blender scene. I would suggest Peanut Butter Cup with Cocoa Puffs. But if you’re like me, and you’re not a big fan of either of those things, a close second would be Coffee Heath Bar Crunch with Cookie Crisp. The latter comes close to being too chunky, but those are the kinds of sacrifices you have to make when you don’t really like candy peanut butter.

The Bathrobe: If alone, find something mud-stained and tattered. If you are with friends and you have to be legally decent, than anything with dorky, funny things splattered all over it (Bart Simpson or coffee cups or something). Keep the mood light.

JURASSIC PARK

This movie always finds a way to be simultaneously silly and serious for me. I understand there is carnage, and that a lot of characters are stupid and can be easily mocked. The over-dramatic music really kills it for me too. And the fact that it has had two sequels. All these things add up to something that should be mocked in the style of Dead Alive, the bigger budget the only differing characteristic. And yet, there is something inside of me that says “Guys… this is serious! There are dinosaurs!”.

The Friends: If you aren’t like me, take the same crew from Dead Alive. If you are like me, grab one friend, the kind that will laugh along with the others at Dead Alive but who will secretly totally understand you when you say “This not to be mocked! There are mother-f-ing DINOSAURS and the old guy totally rocks, don’t you dare make fun of him, and… oh man… wait… WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT JEFF GOLDBLUM?”

The Snack: I’d be more creative if Fossil Fuel wasn’t my favorite ice cream and if Dinersaurs didn’t happen to be so damn accurate. I mean, it has Apatosaurus and Triceratops AS WELL AS the typical T.Rex. That’s something to be valued.

The Bathrobe: Tan-colored. If possible, get archeological hats.

WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER

I consider this film to be one of the stronger kooky comedies. It’s cheap jokes are creative, it’s really weird and quirky in it’s humor, and basically, it’s a class of humor all it’s own. And it has heart nestled in there, somewhere. My friend cried at the wedding scene. It has Janeanne Garafolo. It’s just all-over good. It elicits the same belly laughter that low-brow humor does, but… it’s simply not that. And yet it’s not quite high-brow either. It’s just… grand.

The Friends: Now, it might be one of those movies where you have it ‘get’ it to enjoy it. So, gather up a few friends who you think ‘get it’. They’ll laugh hysterically, but only if it’s their ‘thing’. So be cautious.

The Snack: Marsha Marsha Marshmallow to simulate the camp fire, and Croonchy Stars to simulate the night sky. (You’ll have to go back in time and talk to the Swedish Chef a little to get the latter**, but it’ll be worth it).

The Bathrobe: Something sturdy, that you can easily play Capture The Flag in later.

MUPPET TREASURE ISLAND

A kids movie? Perhaps. But I have laughed harder at it in my life than any other movie in recent memory. It’s just so simple, classic and hilarious. Go ahead, cash in on the pirate trend without having to sit through Pirates Of The Caribbean. Be true. Be cool. Rent Muppet Treasure Island today.

The Friend: You would think your old friend from early childhood, right? No! A better bet would be your middle school survival companion. For some of you, that might have been a while back, but recollect back to the days of awkwardness and remember how you and that person, for some reason, found the exact same things funny? And that is how you survived that horrible time? My nostalgic movie with that person is Muppet Treasure Island, so I just assume that yours in the same.

The Snack: Berried Treasure Sorbet with Franken Berry Cereal. Although the latter*** does not actually fit with the pirate theme, it’s strawberry crunchies and marshmallows complement the fruity deliciousness of the pirate-themed sorbet, and it also counteracts it’s fat-free healthiness by being filled with chemicals and sugar. And you never want to be too healthy, kids!

The Bathrobe: I’m certain there are Muppet bathrobes out there, but if you can’t find one, then something from back in the day. Example - My New Kids On The Block… well, everything, but especially my New Kids On The Block bathrobe.

L.A. STORY

Ah, my first movie reviewed on this site. It’s more middle-aged than Garden State and more existential than When Harry Met Sally, yet more light-hearted than an existential middle-aged love story that I can’t think of example for right now. It’s fantastic.

The Friend: The silly gal pal who loves romantic comedies and squeals when adorable things happen on screen. You thought you’d need her in When Harry Met Sally, and again she was denied at The NeverEnding Story. Now it’s her time to shine. She’ll love it, and she’ll show off her inner genius by deeply analyzing the plot afterwards. But then she’ll sing along to the credits with you. You’ll have a great time.

The Snack: Because it is a movie about feeling purposeless in overcomplicated, frivolous L.A., go with simplicity. Get some Body & Soul Vanilla and sprinkle with either Honey Nut Cheerios or Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

The Bathrobe: White bathrobes show up a few times in this movie, but whatever you have lying around (alleviates the stress of picking out what you want to wear, which is demonstrated in one of the earlier scenes in this movie).

COFFEE AND CIGARETTES

A cool idea - a bunch of random quasi-famous faces getting together for coffee and cigarettes in separate black and white scenes to talk about similarly themed things. They may be playing a character, they may be playing themselves. Totally up in the air. If you ignore the fact that yes, this film probably tries to be artsy too much, and just enjoy the cool, weird, kind of funny concept, it can be quite the watch.

The Friend: BE CAUTIOUS! Do not grab anyone who will blow this off as too artsy. I watched it with my cousin, who commented “It seems like it’s just a bunch of scenes about the same thing” and I said “Yeah, that’s kind of the point”. And in that second, he got it, and he said “Oh. That’s pretty cool.” So… go with a relatively open-minded cousin.

The Snack: To celebrate that which is black and white, get Oreo-Os and, to celebrate everything black, white and menthol, sprinkle on top of Mint Chocolate Cookie.

The Bathrobe: Be one of the two cousins portrayed by Cate Blanchett. Either get totally funked-out with the craziest, hippest bathrobe you can find (fringe and glitter is not only acceptable, it’s encouraged, you crazy rocker kid) or get a sleek, sexy movie-star silk bathrobe****.

GHOST WORLD

When I think Ghost World, I think one thing and one thing only - cool colors. I know, it’s a movie about way more deeper things, but the fact of the matter is, it was based on a graphic novel and the style is just so completely cool. The colors pop out of you on every outfit Enid wears, her room, the town, even Seymour’s bland apartment is so specifically styled. So, colors is what we are going to want here.

The Friend: Get the friend who hates everything with you, and try not to let Steve Buscemi ruin your friendship.

The Snack: Give Karamel Sutra a try. It’s caramel core is delicious and innovative, and Enid would appreciate the silly sex reference. As for cereal, Fruit Loops will add the color we need. But with fruit work with caramel, you wonder? Hey, I like it. But I’m weird. You be the judge.

The Bathrobe: THIS IS KEY HERE! You have to look super cool. SUPER. COOL. You can not consciously make a decision about what you are wearing when you are watching Ghost World and wear something that would disappoint the stylish innovators who helped this movie look so damn hip. So look through your wardrobe carefully and make the right choice.

GROUNDHOG DAY

Nope, Coffee and Cigarettes was not enough Bill Murray for me on this list. This is how romantic comedies should be. Two coinciding plots with one predominately romantic and heart-warming, and another straight-up kooky. Too many movies try to intertwine the romance with the kooky and overload on misunderstandings. Groundhog’s Day is original and handles itself well. A quality movie you can watch by yourself and appreciates it’s just… goodness, a movie you can watch with friends and laugh at, or a movie you can watch when you need to cry about romance and eat *gasp* a pint of Ben & Jerry’s! What a coincidence!

The Friend: Any friend! This movie is just so darn loveable!

The Snack: How about some American Pie (Trust me, you’ll be glad you have it in the diner scene), maybe a side of straight-up Coffee (He mentions this a lot and you’ll want some). For the American Pie, Smacks, and for the Coffee, Reese’s Puffs.

The Bathrobe: You’re gonna want to go ahead and BE Bill Murray. Get a navy blue bathrobe.

I took this article way more seriously than I intended. But hey, catching up on my movies and choosing the right ice cream has become my sole purpose of existing at this intellectual-and-social slump in my life. It’s nap time, baby, and nap time requires that you take these types of things SERIOUSLY now!

So go ahead. Try a recipe for a fun time. All have been tested and tried true.*****

* Not actual fact.
** One of my favorite things to do when I am writing is mention two things and then refer to them as ‘former’ and ‘latter’ as I carry on writing.
*** SEE?!?!? I did it again!
****I know I’m writing more towards the females about the bathrobes, so when I get too girly, just replace ‘bathrobe’ with ‘boxers’ and have a nice day.
***** I’ve been gaining weight.