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"No regrets, that's my motto. Well... that and everyone Wang Chung tonight."

2001 PG-13 / Comedy Directed by: Brendan Malloy & Emmett Malloy Starring: Jason London, Lee Majors, Zach Galifianakis

Tagline

They Haven't Quite Figured It All Out, But They're Getting A Little Warmer.

Summary Capsule

Alaska ski resorts are exposed as the ribald, zany nuthouses that they are.

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Justin's Rating: I'm king of the bunny slope!
Justin's Review: A lot of times we, as movie critics, approach the lesser-known titles with an attitude akin to a blind date. Nervously, we dress in our finest attire (bathrobes, bunny slippers), spray on enough cologne to burn the top layer of skin clean off, and practice our "I’m listening to your fascinating story" faces for the dinner table. Then the dance of seduction begins. It’s a wooing on the behalf of the filmmakers, a game of footsie under the table as they try to hook us with their ingenuity and sexual charm. But like so many blind dates, there’s more than an equal chance to peer across the table and see a cavity-strewn mouth and visible armpit stains as it is to see a complete hottie. It’s the risks we take with this profession, and often it leaves us feeling dirty and cold in the morning.

"Yet slowly, as the movie and I conversed over a dessert of exponential laughs and clever craziness, I felt that familiar burning deep within."

Out Cold had to work pretty hard to seduce me, because its charms weren’t quite apparent out of the gate. During the first half-hour or so, it felt like a mildly amusing comedy about a snowboarding resort helmed by a crew of watered-down weirdos, but nothing special. Yet slowly, as the movie and I conversed over a dessert of exponential laughs and clever craziness, I felt that familiar burning deep within. Curse that ulcer! It just so happens that this is a pretty funny movie that had me really appreciating it for its "inner beauty" by the end credits. And thus ends the metaphor.

The stage of our play is set on Bull Mountain, Alaska, where bearded men and extreme snowboarders roam wild. It’s a quaint, local resort with a forgettable history involving some guy who skied down the mountain with his butt hanging out. Apparently, this was inspiring enough to make a statue commemorating the event. Rick (Jason London, twin brother of Mallrats’ Jeremy London) is the Responsible Snowboarder, who has to make a tough (but typical comedy situation) decision between his slacker lifestyle and selling out to The Man (Lee Majors) who buys the mountain to make it into a more upscale resort. His friends see the threat quicker than he does, but are powerless to do much about it.

Out Cold’s primary failing as a movie (this being the debut of the directors, I can see how it happened) is that the plot and characters are a bit too subtle and gradual for the typical audience. This isn’t a horrible thing, but it shouldn’t take me until a third of the way in to finally get who each character is, and what their "thing" is all about. The threat of the resort takeover shouldn’t take most of the film to finally flourish, providing little time for our heroes to really become anti-authority fighters. The filmmakers are obviously just as laid back about their movie as the characters in it, and while this isn’t strictly a "wrong" way to do things, it’s probably not the best. By the end, I wanted to watch the film again, now that I was into the groove and aware of all of the characters’ quirks.

This criticism aside, Out Cold cradles some wonderfully snarky comedy that is just as out of left field as everything else. Strange little inclusions, like a slow-motion shot of a character shooting out boogers from their nose in the cold at an inspirational moment toward the end, is what kept shocking me into laughter. Luke (Zach Galifianakis) is one of the best bearded characters in film history — this lovable Silent Bob-ish drunk kept throwing in witty, mellow lines and having his friends play pranks on him when he passed out that slowly but surely made him the best person in this flick. Out Cold was also a very kind-hearted comedy, lacking the mean-spiritedness that some comedy filmmakers seem to have against either their characters or the audience watching. I appreciated that.

So cheers to this movie, to a good comedy that needs a home in many of your viewing collections! And, for the record, watching people do incredible snowboarding stunts is far more entertaining than trying to snowboard and falling on your butt fourteen times in a row.

It's the battle of the giant tongue depressors! It's true: bearded men get ALL the love Who would've thought Poolman daring enough to ski in a kilt? And be loved for it?

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Alaska has mountain cleavage?
• Aah! Huge hairy man pits!
• King of the Mountain sounds fun
• Even the paperboy snowboards
• Girls in bikini’s in cable cars… okay!
• Things Not To Do With Your Hot Tub
• Lesbian chat rooms... probably not what you think they are. But they ARE gay.
• Anna wears an OSI wind-cheater - OSI (the Office of Scientific Intelligence) was the employer of Lee Majors' character "Steve Austin" in Six Million Dollar Man.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Oohh yess... loads of outtakes (including Luke trying to think up new nicknames for his genitals).

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

There's a lot of accusation (some of it true, perhaps) that Out Cold borrows liberally from Casablanca. More power to them, I say!

This was Lewis Arquette's (Papa Muntz) final movie performance (he died nine months before the film's release).

Groovy Quotes

Luke: No regrets, that's my motto. Well... that and everyone Wang Chung tonight.

Luke: This suit is really cramping my Hardy Boys. It's no mystery.

Luke: Well, yeah it dosen't really allow my dice to roll and by dice I mean testicles. Speaking of testicles, let me get a beer.

Rick: You don't need to do that anymore, remember Barry?
Lance: Oh yeah. Sorry. Old habits die hard. Oh what the hell - I LOVE MEN. Who wants me?
Rick: Well you don't need to do that either...

Rick: Pig Pen, when I want advice about a good Planet of the Apes film or maybe how to get the resin out of my bong I'll come to you ok? But I am not gonna take romantic advice from somebody who cannot spell romantic or advice... or bong.

Luke: You know I hate what they're doing to the mountain, but this is the best vanilla latte I have ever had. You can actually taste the vanilla beans... I don't like the coffee.

Barry: So, uh, who's the "jaccuzi casanova?"
Stumpy: [pointing at Luke] That's him right there.
Luke: Thanks Stumpy.
Stumpy: Yeah, they call him that because he had himself all up in it, lovin' it strong.

Stumpy: I was there. Yeah, it was called the '80s. Ford was President, Nixon was in the White House and FDR was running this country into the ground. I was bummin' in a hole-in-a-wall town in what is now called Utah. Some fella from Colorado shows up, starts making so called "improvements", right? Before we knew what hit us, the streets are running with late'. It got so bad that a fella that liked to, you know... smoke a little grass or drink a little ripple. Crow like a rooster, maybe challenge the mayor's son to a gentlemen's duel, was "uncouth, against God." More like bad real estate values. So we had to go!

Luke: Good evening. You all know the rules of King of the Mountain. Rule number one: you do not talk about King of the Mountain. Rule number two: there are no rules.
Anthony: Uh, what about rule number one?
Luke: That's more of a guidline than a rule, do not interrupt!

Luke: Can you get an STD from a polar bear?

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Eurotrip
• Mystery, Alaska
• PCU