Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
“I'm sorry to hear that... Captain Dork!”

1988 PG / Comedy Directed by: Alan Myerson Starring: Matt McCoy, G.W. Bailey, George Gaynes, Rene Auberjonois

Tagline

Hold everything! The cadets are dropping in on Miami Beach for an all new adventure.

Summary Capsule

Lassard's forced to retire, so the crew goes to Miami to (why not) foil a diamond heist

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Check out this movie in DVD

Justin's Rating: No valley too deep, no mountain too high
Justin's Review: When I was a younger teen, I occasionally did a Ferris Bueller thing and took a "sick" day from school. I’m not condoning it, I’m just saying I did it. My favorite thing to do on these special, special days was to watch all of the Forbidden movies in my parents’ tape collection, the ones that were sure to cause eye cancer or something if we watched them without permission. Over time and numerous "sick" days, I established a routine. To satisfy my curiosity about sex in general, I’d often peek at certain parts of Basic Instinct, Fatal Attraction and Body Heat, all of which are great if you’re a randy kid looking for cheap nudity. Unfortunately, this particular selection had the side effect of making you completely freaked out that the opposite sex was going to boil your pet and stab you with an ice pick someday.

"Becoming my first movie comfort food, I probably ended up watching PA5 around 50 times in secret. Bwuah-ha-ha-ha, my parents will never know! Unless they read this review!"

After a brisk and refreshing cold shower, I’d return to pop in Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach. For me, the appeal was the mistaken notion that PA5 was an R-rated movie (when it was, in fact, a pretty tame PG), but it went a little more than that. The first Police Academy I ever watched, part 5 contained that special mixture of spices, late 80’s feel, and goofy slapstick. Becoming my first movie comfort food, I probably ended up watching PA5 around 50 times in secret. Bwuah-ha-ha-ha, my parents will never know! Unless they read this review!

Groaning against the weight of the millions of expected Police Academy Sequel barbs, I’m standing firm and claiming that even at number five, the word "sequel" is treated more with honor than with shame. Especially at number five. I’ll allow for the (laughter, please) old school, die-hard Police Academy fans who stogedly claim that there’s no good Police Academy without Steve Guttenberg, but ask that special consideration be given for a filmmaking team that honestly did the best with what they had, and ended up producing a fun, breezy comedy that makes the changes to the series enjoyable.

With Mahoney, Zed and numerous others mysteriously absent — I’m blaming the black death — our remnants accompany Cmndt. Lassard to Miami Beach, where Lassard is being honored as "Police Chief of the Decade" before being made to retire. Big Strong Cop, Big Boobed Cop, Fat Cop, Meek Voice Cop, Trigger Happy Cop and Funny Noises Cop are the few, the proud, the leftovers… but they’re probably happy, since they get more prominent roles because of it. In Miami, they meet their new Leader Cop (Matt McCoy), and Love Interest Cop (Janet Jones), who inoffensively look good and wear bathing suits. Also along for the ride are Clueless Cop and Jerkwad Cop, to be used as comedic foils when the various situations call for them.

As with any Police Academy, there is a crime-caper element; here, a gang of diamond thieves pursue Lassard to retrieve their accidentally double-stolen loot. However, as with all of the PA’s, criminals and their wrongdoings are the least interesting part of the flick. Much more enrapturing is the ongoing party that spreads all creamy-like over the middle of the film, as the cops do funny things amid the festivities of the beach environment. Character development? Nah. Plot? I’ll get to it tomorrow. In the meanwhile, give us plenty of tight bikinis, stupid pratfalls, and ridiculous situations to feed our withering minds!

Police Academy 5 naturally feels like a vacation, for the first time away from the traditional Police Academy city/setting, and for the first time away from Guttenberg’s camera mugging. And when I perfect my time portal, I will use it to throw myself back into 1988 and into a better era. I’ll also buy huge amounts of stock in AOL and Google, and probably send young PoolBoy threatening letters just for kicks. It’s all good.

Jaws needs a bigger gun Dorkalicious Live long and perspire!

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Always check for change in public phone booths
• Bras mean getting bus-sy
• The grads exchanging caps after throwing them up into the air
• Shooting people solves everything
• And if you can’t real-shoot, fake-shoot
• The tanks full of Lassard’s replacement goldfish
• Clean your armadillo daily
• Jones’ standby music
• Bad guys should always hire people who call them "boss"
• Every plane should have a petting zoo
• Wow… in 1989 people could still smoke on planes
• Airlines don’t mind if you take the doors off -- they actually like it
• If you’re going to pick-pocket, why not cross-dress while you’re at it!
• The pool IS nice, too!
• Jaws parody
• I love pink shirts, don’t you?
• Proctor’s shadow puppets
• Alcohol + Fire = Not Good
• Wow, what a sucky martial arts presentation!
• It’s a clip-on! Are you sure?

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

No. Sleep. SLEEEEEP!

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

Director Alan Myerson has a cameo as the man on the plane who refuses to put his cigar out.

One of the airline stewardesses was the real-life wife of David Graf (Tackleberry)

Groovy Quotes

Officer: Gene, you need to SHARE these weapons with the other officers.

Bad Guy 1: Why haven’t we hit the ground yet?
Bad Guy 2: Physics!

Harris: Oh Mr. Mayor, excuse me sir. I don't mean to insult your city, but the people on this beach are very rude and hostile.
Mayor of Miami: Well, I'm sorry to hear that... Captain Dork!

Tackleberry: Leave the swimming area NOW, Mister!

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Police Academy
• Police Academy 2
• Police Academy 4