Superhero Clichés

Ahh, welcome, welcome to the Mutant Roundtable! Sure, it might be a fancy name harkening back to the non-existent days of King Arthur and his merry knights, but we desired to give it a better name than "The Yokel Jaw Session". Today's esteemed topic deals with superhero clichés, and how we see them in movies. Let's listen in...

If I may quote Batman from Batman The Movie - In regards to falling in love with a villian "It's just one of those things... that every villian... has to deal with".

First cliché: The guy can totally take on everyone... except this one guy! [Read the Marvel book to understand this frustration more clearly.]

With great power comes not just great responsibility, but also great pathos, great urgings to drop out of normal human relationships so as "not to place [them] in jeopardy," and (presumably) great stomach ulcers.

Superheroes having to save EVERYONE and fight EVERY crime that occurs, from shoplifting to bank robberies, no matter what the personal cost.

Superheroes having to either be on the job constantly or retired: there is no middle ground.

Superheroes, regardless of flashes of intelligence or academic backgrounds, being extremely dumb until the absolute last minute.

Superheroes giving murderous villains at least ONE LAST CHANCE to decide on their own to change their ways and make amends; the pause in battle this generally requires being utilized in a sneaky way by the villain to attempt to murder the superhero(es) behind their back.

It's more of a villian thing, but... monologuing!!!!! The superhero (or James Bond) must formulate his escape plan as the villian launches into armchair psychology of himself.

Superhero Stockholm Syndrome. It's that thing where some woman gets kidnapped, smacked around, etc., by her future friend or love interest. It's icky in romances and it's icky in superhero flicks, too.

Convenient injuries. Wolverine is the only one who gets shot in the head in X2, because he's the only one it won't kill. Convenient villain matchups goes along with this. I mean, I like Lex Luthor as a Superman villain exactly because he doesn't have powers that oppose Superman's, a magical anti-man-of-steel helmet, et cetera. He's just a really sneaky guy.

"Superhero Stockholm Syndrome." I kind of like this. I mean, smacked around is taking it to domestic abuse levels, sure, but love-hate relationships are like the best thing. You know they are real because they aren't like "Oh, I want to be in love so I'll just love this person and smother them with kisses", they're more "UGH! I HATE THEM SO MUCH! But...I...LOVE...THEM, ugh!" I love the Catwoman/Batman dynamic a lot, of course. I'm Nancy.

It's not adversarial stuff that bothers me. Au contraire, I have no problem with a little... sparring... in this sort of relationship. (And I did like Batman Returns rather a lot. No poke at your Catwoman preference intended.) No, it's the one-sided physical dominance by a protag (not a villain) toward someone who later becomes an ally and/or love interest. Here I'm thinking of V, but Batman has certainly hauled enough unconscious women around in his time. For that matter, what happens at the beginning of the first Blade movie is another pretty good example.

How do you feel about the Batman/Vicki Vale relationship?

I'm glad you asked that, Nancy my friend, because I've been wanting to use my sound effect. Listen closely to the sound of a person throwing up three feet of intestines: Bleeeaaaaaargggh.

But, as per my review of Universal Soldier, the Plucky Reporter is a character archetype I hate almost as much as I love the Mechanical Man. Not that I really have any good reason for liking the latter. I think it goes back to an early childhood fascination with Sherlock Holmes.

I'm not too fond of the Pretty Shrink archetype either, but at least the woman has to PRETEND she has some kind of brain.

As does Tara Reid. And Barb Wire.

Well, she used to. But then her brains mysteriously leaked down into her chest. I blame Carson Daly.

Speaking of chests, female super heroes must have a rack that's flaunted by the Victoria's Secret pushup bra. And a corset or spandex is even better. And heels. Why any self-respecting (and sane) woman would RUN around in a getup like that is beyond me, but they all seem to do it. (Why do superhero women never wear sportsbras? It would make so much more sense.)

And if you're a size B or smaller, you can't be a superhero unless you're very young.

The whole External Underwear thing. I don't get it. Is it supposed to signify that these heroes are so secure in who they are that they're not afraid to show the world a little tighty whities, or is it some vast superhero conspiracy that started on a dare to see if a powerful being could pull off goofy costume choices and not be laughed at, because they could punch you through a wall?

Also, skirts on flying superheroes (see: Supergirl).

Good point with the clothes thing. Especially Superman. He' s faster than a speeding locomotive in a single tall bound, so it's not like he has to worry about wind resistance or freedom of movement. No reason for spandex and a cape.

I'm just grateful that movies made impossible some of the humiliating getups X-women have worn, such as Psylocke's thong and the pathetic attempts in Ultimate X-men to have the women wear "normal" (read: streetwalker meets Abercrombie and Fitch) clothing.

You would have preferred yellow spandex? ;)

Ack, I wrote out three good ones, the system ate 'em, and now I can't remember what they were. I'll think on it.

"Why any self-respecting (and sane) woman would RUN around in a getup like that is beyond me." I probably would. And all the other superhero fashion blunders that you spoke of are things I love.

See, it's not a matter of fashion or even feminism for me. It's a matter of support. I've run in a non-sports bra before, and it's not at all comfortable. And I can barely walk in heels, so running in thigh-high boots with stilletos is definitely out of the question. (Although if I were a superhero, I probably could. It would be one of my superpowers.) And Edna's bit in the Incredibles about capes was dead on.

But ya know what I hate? When the world seems to be repeatedly on the brink of destruction in a series.

Going insane isn't characterized by any kind of memory loss or demented, nonsensical ravings; it simply endows a person with irresistable urges to make bad jokes, rob banks, and wear ludicrous costumes. Insane people can ALWAYS pass as normal when need be.

Despite having no background whatsoever in art or fashion design, a true superhero invariably whips up a color-coordinated, snappy looking costume that fits perfectly on the first try. If you can't do this, you are not a superhero.

Every time a male superhero debuts, the woman he has a crush on — even if she doesn't know about it or has no idea he even exists — had better watch out. Because in the immediate future, she can count on exactly two things happening: assault by muggers, and kidnapping by a big-time supervillain. And no amount of tasers or curve-hugging pink t-shirts will stop it.

Dead Don't Never Mean Dead: Superheroes have a bit of Jesus gene in them, resurrecting the dearly departed for another swing in the snow (see: X-Men 3, Lois Lane in Superman, E.T... okay, technically that last one is pushing it...).

Genetic mutations lead to fun and interesting powers like laser vision, magnetic control over metals, and the ability to fit in said costumes, instead of leading to awful wasting diseases and birth defects.

For every hero with a distinctively iconic power, there is a villain with the exact opposite power. Iceman versus Pyro (ice vs fire). Hulk versus the Leader (brute strength vs high intellect).

Puns. PUNS. Spidey is fun and all, but I groan as loud as anyone when he webs someone up and says something like "looks like you're in a sticky situation!". Har har.

Antiheroes who only look out for themselves will invariably become the mentor figure for young (usually female) heros. Which isn't creepy at all. Nope. Never.

It IS creepy. They even got Batman with that whole Robin/Catgirl futuristic scenario, I forget what the series was called. For the girl who likes a MUCH older man...

It's got to be that whole Femme Nikita syndrome. Nobody ever writes about older women mentoring young men in a superhero context, probably because the towering torpedoes undermine credibility. Don't even start me on vampires.

Superheros also never seem to grumble about being woken up in the middle of the night.

Violent crime better darn well happen at night, because no superhero patrols the city by day.

They also never get hat hair. (Cowl hair?)

Cowl hair. Good one.

I just thought of this. If you don't wear a mask, and everyone knows who you are, you do NOT... NEED... an ALIAS.

Especially if nobody uses that alias to your face anyway and everyone calls you "John" or (ahem) "Logan," except of course the villain, who will overemphasize that alias in order to be ironic or argue with your metaphor. "So, you call yourself Blade, because you think of yourself as a weapon!"

And if you DO go by your real name, it will usually be something like "Jason Blood" that sounds like an alias anyway. Jean Gray really isn't the exception; she used to be Marvel Girl, remember.