Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"We follow the river, and then go deep."

2005 R / Horror Scifi Directed by: Fred Tepper Starring: Matt Lattimore, Amy Shelton-White, Kevin O'Connor

Tagline

Bigfoot... Sasquatch... Some legends never die... They Kill!

Summary Capsule

People hunt down Sasquatch. Not a good career move on their part.

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Movie Store [proceeds go toward monthly MRFH upkeep]

Amazon.com: DVD

Heather's Rating: Some legends never die... they bore!

Heather's Review: Hubby's out of town for the week, leaving me with loads of extra time to waste. What better time to catch up on some really bad movies and force my reviews on the masses?

"Oh, how the literary gold flowed from the writers' pens."

My husband, having an odd fascination with the Sasquatch legend, rented Sasquatch Hunters a couple of nights ago. I didn't watch it with him because I knew it was going to be as entertaining as someone reading you their poetry. It didn't even have the appeal of being a potential review subject since he gets highly annoyed at me typing up a review or taking notes while he's watching a movie (I know, he's unreasonable).

So, Sasquatch Hunters! If you find this for 99 cents at the rental store and bad "scary" movies are your thing then I say go for it. It's unintentionally funny enough to give you some good laughs and jaw-droppingly "did they really just do that" stupid moments.

The first thing you hear is gunshots while the camera pans over the treetops. The sound was done so badly that I expected the camera to reveal a kid playing a video game in his camper. Unfortunately the camera settled on three redneck poachers, complete with plaid shirts and cheap beer, looking for bears. We have to deal with about five minutes of horrendous "banter" that sounds like a bunch of old ladies got drunk while knitting doilies and decided to curse at each other. And I quote *ahem*: "Blow it out your airhole!" "What's up your butt?" "Your mom!" Totally childish, and the word substitutions are also confusing, seeing as the movie otherwise has no problem using all manner of foul phrases. The best (read: soul-rippingly bad) line is when one hunter yells at the other "At least I don't have to help my wife shave her back!" Oh, how the literary gold flowed from the writers' pens.

Mercifully the Definitely Not A Bear shows up moments later to end their hillbilly misery and prevent many retarded progeny from being born. These first killing scenes were so over edited that they nearly gave me seizures. One could get severely nauseated with all the flashing back and forth between the "menacing" creature and the pieces of its victim being removed.

The plot is something about rangers and "experienced people" combing the woods for gorilla-esque bones and stumbling upon a sacred Bigfoot burial ground, exacting the Foots' wrath. Sasquatch, like the Native Americans and Egyptians, have grisly consequences in store for grave robbers.

All of the characters were so annoying and cardboard that I didn't care who lived or died. The rangers were a joke. There was Stifler (not really, but an amazing simulation), a woman who was every childish mousy movie brunette, and then there was her tool of a brother. Stifler spends most of his time drooling over the blond photographer in the group named Lou who obviously knows her way around Silicone Valley, if you know what I mean. Rounding out the group we have the old leader ranger, the old leader scientist, the Dark-Haired Smart Plain Chick and our hero, who looks like the poor man's Dennis Quaid.

That brings us to Sasquatch. 'Ole Squatchy is easily the most horribly done monster ever. As a MSTIE I've seen LOTS of bad monsters. The thing looked like one of those test sequences you see in "making of" features about Monsters, Inc. Closeups of the monster's homicidal face showcase the same facial movements over and over and over. Professor Bobo is more menacing. Every time he showed up I kept envisioning him in one of those really bad car insurance commercials that try to be high-tech by using CGI. Call 1-800-GENERAL for Sasquatch-sized savings!

I also can't help but mention the fact that Big Tall and Hairy thinks he's Jason Vorhees, slamming people up against tree trunks and hiding their bodies in the forest in creepy positions. It's like Halloween all year long for this guy. BOO!

This movie is stupid on so many levels. The kind of stupid that makes you go read War and Peace afterward to make up for all the stupid you just took in. Characters: Hated them all. Storyline? Boring and been done to death. Dialogue: Confusing in every single way. For instance what is the focus on the mousy girl's tent? She brags that hers is the best, keeps asking people if they saw it... I just don't get it. Others go along with her and comment on her tent. WHY IS EVERYONE OBSESSED WITH HER TENT?! I need no explanation when talk goes to men and tent-pitching, but am I missing some innuendo concerning this chick's tent and how it looked better than everyone else's? I want it to be innuendo, I really do. Then at least some of the dialogue would be clever. Wait, no it wouldn't.

One of the other things that infuriated me was when the photographer was lost in the woods and used her flash to find her way in the dark. You would think a film crew had been exposed to a camera before and would understand how a flash of screaming bright light does NOT help you see in the dark. It screws with your eyes, which had adjusted to the dim but are now completely blind and have to readjust. Until you flash your stupid bulb again.

Oh, I get it. Ha! She "flashed"! There's the innuendo. See the movie WAS being clever. Wait, no it wasn't.

I put my hand upon your hip. When I dip you dip we dip. Bear vs. Sasquatch. Sasquatch, 1. OM NOM NOM NOM

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Apprently there's some sort of tent/girl parts innuendo I'm just not familiar with. And I'm married to a sailor
• SPOILER ALERT: So if generations of Sasquatch had been burying their dead on top of each other in one pit wouldn't that pit had to have been hundreds of feet deep initially?

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

The sasquatch growls again at the end. So no.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

With no money for a production office, the crew worked out of various homes and often had script meetings at Fuddruckers.

The film was originally named "Primevil"

Matt Lattimore, who played Roger Gordon, was known as "The Tool Guy". He appeared on more than 25 commercials on construnction, including the infomercials for the "MultiMaster" power tool and "Rug Doctor Mighty Pro". He died in June, 2006 of "undisclosed causes".

Groovy Quotes

Dr. Ethan Grant: We follow the river, and then go deep.
Roger Gordon: Real deep

Gordon: It's comin'.
Dr. Grant: SomeONE or someTHING?

Helen: Is it safe?
Gordon: Yeah, it's not here now.
Helen: How do you know?
Gordon: Because we're still alive.

Janet Combs: Did you see my tent?

Soundtrack Review

If you enjoy the Casio stylings of the "rake" scene in Hobgoblins then you'll love this.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Sasquatch
• Boggy Creek
• Boggy Creek II: And The Legend Continues