Justin's Rating: My God, it's full of (second-rate) stars!
Justin's Review: When the MRFH forums got wind that a second sequel of Scary Movie was greenlit in some befouled crypt-like Hollywood studio of the damned, it became sheer pandimonium. "Noooo!" the young 'uns cried, seeking the comfort of their mothers' bosoms, bosoms that were no longer there after withering away from the crudity of Scary Movie 2. We tried offering up some of the younger and weaker MRFH visitors to several passing demons as a sort of counter-pact, but they just ate the good parts and moved on without so much of a how-do-ya-do. And then there was me, balled up in fetal position, traumatized by the thought of another Wayans parody of a parody of a parody of a sort-of parody of the horror genre, my mind blown from looking into too many reflective mirrors showcasing an infinity of badness.

"We tried offering up some of the younger and weaker MRFH visitors to several passing demons as a sort of counter-pact, but they just ate the good parts and moved on without so much of a how-do-ya-do."

When we got word that Kevin Smith or David Zucker might perhaps be used to direct instead, that Charlie Sheen and Leslie Neilson (veterans of fav spoofs Hot Shots! and The Naked Gun) were being called up into service -- and best of all, that all Wayans-related folk were put to the stake and burned to prevent any further travesty -- well, I uncurled a bit and felt a spark of hope plant itself in my chest. Maybe. Just maybe. Things might be all right this time.

So I went and exposed myself (catching myself a nice bout of flu in the process) to Scary Movie 3, to once again stand at the brink of the abyss and spit in defiance. The verdict? While it was by far not of the hallowed ranks of Airplane! or even Jane Austin's Mafia!, it was a darn sight better than its predecessors, and went a long way to stitching close a wound that had been bleeding in my heart since 1999.

Scary Movie 3 begins, however, at its lowest, enlisting the DDubious "talents" of Pamela Lee Anderson Lee to run around screaming and jiggling her breasts far, far too much to even be considered comedy. As PoolMan himself stated, there was once a time where Pamela held dibs on firey hotness, but this is but a far distant memory. Now that her body is 45% synthetic chemicals, her face is starting to warp into an alien's, her lips have that artificial balloon quality to them, and her breasts... Shudder. Her breasts.

Since the makers of Scary Movie 3 are obviously under the severe delusion that Pamela's twins are in any way arousing, I was exposed to them long enough to write a doctoral thesis on their qualities. In short, they are scary, scary breasts. They're massive, but rectanglish, held up by a bra yet still manage to drift miles apart from each other even with that support. While we the audience know that there's something terribly awry in her body, Pamela is -- like most movie characters -- are deaf to our suggestions. If you don't go sterile from the opening teaser, then you might be in for a more pleasant ride then on out.

While Scary Movie was pretty much a shot-for-shot reconstruction of Scream, and Scary Movie 2 mistakenly thought The Haunting was popular enough material to spoof, Scary Movie 3 draws its inspiration from a grab bag of modern horror hits, including Eminem's Eight Mile, The Ring, The Others, and Signs. It bounces back and forth between these parodies like a pinball game on a leaky fishing boat, scoring points here and there, but missing a lot as well.

One of the big problems is that the cast is really full of genuine comedic talent this time (which is a good problem to have). While Anna Faris is a funny little lass, I'm sorry, you just don't give her more screen time than Sheen or Neilson. In fact, the guy who spoofs Eminem gets more lines and jokes than those two, and that just ain't right. Fortunately, what material Sheen and Neilson are given to chew on, they chew magnificently. Just, there should've been more, is all.

Director Zucker might've been operating on auto-pilot, relying on many old tricks instead of inventing new ones, but he manages to craft a film that's far less offensive (PG-13 this time, versus the R-ratings of the first two) and more consistantly enjoyable from start to end. Except the aliens, who really don't have any funny jokes, but the sheer screen time they get makes you think that the director was hoping just their presence would eventually become funny to you.

So this is Justin, limping along with a hopeful face for the future. Sure, they'll make a fourth installment after the bounty that SM3 brought in, but even if it sucks, hey, no more Wayans. Now, to complete my recovery, I'm going to go watch Wesley Crusher get shot a few more times.

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Leslie Nielsen's final line... that sounds familiar!

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Not really... they dropped the ball on this potential joke arena.

Air Force One WAS a great movie, yes... Kyle's first professional "dance" ends in disaster "Hello? Hi? This is the American public? Can you promise never to appear in any movies or TV or in public again? Thanks."

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

Anthony Anderson's character turned out so popular in test screenings, that additional scenes for him were quickly written and shot while the film was already in post-production.

Official and Not-So-Official Websites

• Official Miramax Site

Groovy Quotes

Orpheus: [To Cindy] I believe this night, we will find...
La'Quesha: What are you still doing here?
Orpheus: Please La'Quesha, I'm prophesizing.
La'Quesha: Oh, I'm prophesizing my foot half way up your ass!

Cindy: Call it women's intuition, or ESPN, or both! I can tell when danger's coming...

[Standing on stairs telling future to man walking out of restroom]
Cody: You're going to get lucky tonight.
[To "woman" walking out behind him, holding his hand]
Cody: He doesn't know you're a guy.

George: I have a dream!
Tom: What is your dream?
George: To have a dream!

President Harris: These men died defending their country. Send flowers to their bitches and ho's.

Becca: Did you see that videotape?
Kate: The one where they do it on the boat? And the one when they do it in the car and he's like "Hey baby. I love you..."
Becca: No! Not that tape!

The Architect: I've been in this room for a long time with no one but myself and this chair; I call her...Linda.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Airplane!
• Hot Shots!
• Scary Movie

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