Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"We live by the rules, we die by the rules."

2000 PG-13 / Suspense Drama Directed by: Rob Cohen Starring: Joshua Jackson, Paul Walker, Craig T. Nelson

Tagline

A secret society so powerful, it can give you everything you desire... at a price.

Summary Capsule

They also boogie by the rules! We discover that "secret societies" are a cesspit of evil and tuxedos.

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Justin's Rating: I'd want to join the Stonecutters, anyway. Who controls the British crown? We do! We do!
Justin's Review: Here's the thing: if you happen to belong to a so-called "secret society", which is sort of like a fraternity where you're just more into ritual human sacrifice and wearing goofy robes, then you're automatically a tool. It's a fact, ask anyone. Why anyone has a deep-rooted need in their life to play "clubhouse" as an adult and make it into a grand, pompous gesture of insecurity is beyond me. One of the best-known "secret" societies — a society so secret it was made into a 2000 film called The Skulls which now has two sequels — is Yale University's Skull and Bones. In the roster of Skull and Bones includes three U.S. presidents: Howard Taft, George Bush, and George W. Bush. Sorry guys, but… tools. Not so fast, cackling Democrats! You know who also is a member? John Kerry, the 2004 Democratic presidential candidate. 'S true. Also a tool. It's funny, if slightly disturbing, to read transcripts of both Kerry and Bush who not-so-skillfully evaded questions about S&B during their 2004 campaigns.¹ Almost enough to suspect a conspiracy, eh?

"As far as I can tell, the entire organization is built on mutual blackmail, to the point where nobody can really trust anyone else not to stab them in the back, but they're also supposed to be intensely loyal to each other to the point of death."

Or, if the organization is anything like this film, we don't have anything to worry about a grand master plan, because this secret society is intensely involved in decorating a basement with coffins, stealing weather vanes, and performing circa-1800 duels with flintlock pistols at ten paces. I think we're pretty safe.

The Skulls wanted to be a junior version of The Firm so bad, you can see it straining to the point where it wets itself. As in The Firm, The Skulls focuses on a poor-yet-lovable lawyer to be named Luke (Joshua Jackson), who eagerly rushes into the rank and file of this university's (Yale is never explicitly mentioned, but feel free to assume) most prominent society. He's given riches and a branding on the wrist, but soon discovers that this is an insidious organization dedicated to murder and blackmail and all manner of clownery. He wants to get out, but can't, and must somehow work as an insider agent to bring down the society while protecting his one true love, who paints with a robotic shotgun. No — I didn't just make that up.

For all its effort to be The Firm 2: Die Firmer, The Skulls tilts over the edge of extreme implausibility early on and careens down the slopes faster than any audience member could follow with a straight face. Filmmakers often talk about believability in their movies, that the audience has to at least partially buy into what they're seeing as real within the context of that fictional universe. Make it too weird or too disjointed, and the audience disconnects, often with mocking laughter. The makers of Ghostbusters said they couldn't start the film with a giant marshmallow man walking down the streets of NYC stomping on churches, but their calculated progression into the wild and wooly world of the supernatural made it somewhat plausible (within their universe) to the audience by the end.

It's best just to give up on The Skulls, disconnect early, and enjoy the ride. As a fatty slice of movie, it can be enjoyable as long as you don't pay close attention to the nutritional contents listed on the side of the box. Luke is a nice, if dense, fellow; his love interest Chloe (Leslie Bibb) is definitely not hard on the eyes; and the exploration into the flimsy machinations of the secret society makes for an interesting couple hours. In addition to the items I listed above, The Skulls are notable for the following features:

• Their main meeting room is dominated by a huge marble cutout of the word "WAR", which is given a passing explanation. Nobody in this movie finds this remotely as funny as I do. I would've given my eye teeth to have one of the gentlemen suddenly burst out singing "WAR! GOOD GOD Y'ALL! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY NOTHIN'! HUH!"

• As part of the newcomer's initiation, they have to be lowered with others in a steel cage into a pit, where they have to tell each other their most intimate secrets. It's share time!

• People in The Skulls are paired up into teams of "soul mates". Every time they use the phrase "soul mate", it made me giggle. "Don't do this!" Luke cries. "You're my soul mate!" Hehe!

• Everything in this secret society building is videotaped (in full sound, no less), and the tapes are transported — twice a day — across campus to a secret room in the library, accessible only if you pull the right book and the shelves open up and you evade Shaggy and Scooby-Doo. Curse those meddling fools!

• As far as I can tell, the entire organization is built on mutual blackmail, to the point where nobody can really trust anyone else not to stab them in the back, but they're also supposed to be intensely loyal to each other to the point of death.

• And there are hookers.

Golly gee, being a Skull sure sounds like a whimsical dream through the land of fruitcake and fairies. Too bad I'm busy leading a healthy life where, right now, I'm 13 minutes late for work because I'm writing this for my top-secret website. Get out while you still can!

1. In interviews with "Meet The Press", Bush and Kerry had this to say about their involvement with Skull and Bones:

BUSH: It's so secret, we can't talk about it.
KERRY: It's a secret... There are all kinds of secrets.

It's Death's younger brother, Ted. Hey, Ted! You should see the "Peace" guy. Apparently, you're never too old to play "You Show Me Yours And I'll Show You Mine"

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• No aloe for that third degree burn, buddy?
• The wristwatch that each new member of the Skulls is given is the Breitling Old Navitimer.
• Director Rob Cohen cameos as a professor (while Joshua Jackson's character is having a lesson at a table and his friends spy on the activities of The Skulls

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

No.

Unnecessary Background [some sources: Wikipedia]

The Order of Skull and Bones, once known as The Brotherhood of Death, is a secret society based at Yale University, in New Haven, Connecticut. The society inducts only rising seniors during the late junior year prior to their graduation. By reputation, "Bonesmen" tapped the current football and heavyweight rowing captains as well as notables from the Yale Daily News and Yale Lit before the 1970s. However, the group's decision, after much dispute, to admit women eventually diversified the membership. Members meet in the Bones "Tomb" on Thursday and Sunday evenings of each week over the course of their senior year. As with other Yale societies, the sharing of a personal history is the keystone of the senior year together in the tomb. Reportedly, members dine off a set of Hitler's silverware while in the tomb, consuming expensive gourmet meals with each other over the span of the year. The members call themselves "knights," and simultaneously call everyone else in the world at large "barbarians."

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

Yale is never mentioned by name during the film, but there are plenty of references:
• At the boat race, every team is mentioned by its school name, except for "The Bulldogs." (They're the Yale team.)
• The characters wear Ys on their sports uniforms.
• The Skulls are said to have "322 alumni worldwide." The Yale secret society Skull & Bones uses the number 322 as an identifier on many of its symbols.
• The characters are seen celebrating at a pizza parlor they refer to as "Mory's," drinking from a big golden cup. Mory's is an actual place, and the tradition with the song and the big golden cup is accurate; however, it's a formal restaurant, not a pizza parlor.
• The new Skulls are sent to raid "Snake & Skeleton." There is a Yale secret society called "Book & Snake."
• Some campus shots seem to purposefully mimic Yale buildings. There's a tower that looks a lot like Harkness Tower, and the dining hall looks like the one at Berkeley College.

On The Simpsons, Montgomery Burns is a member of Skull and Bones (class of 1914).

Groovy Quotes

Will Beckford: If it's secret and elite, it can't be good.

Senator Ames Levritt: We live by the rules, we die by the rules.

Judge Litten Mandrake: Our membership has its pleasure, its hardship, and sometimes its pain.

Caleb Mandrake: You've been digging, Luke, and if you keep digging, you'll be digging your own grave.

Senator Ames Levritt: Our rules supercede those of the outside world.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• The Firm
• The Skulls II
• The Skulls III