Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, muttering 'I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster.'"

1996 PG-13 / Comedy Spoof Directed by: Rick Friedberg Starring: Leslie Nielsen, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Hulk Hogan, Mr. T

Tagline

All the action. All the women. Half the intelligence.

Summary Capsule

No, he's not Austin Powers. But Leslie Nielson tries, and gets a bronze sticker for effort.

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Justin's Rating: Oh behave! Okay, I will!
Justin's Review: I was recently at my brother's ordination (a sort of longish ceremony that culminates in a pastor receiving his "wings" and then going through a spanking tunnel as part of the initiation), when someone at the party afterward asked me the loaded question, "So Justin. You're a movie critic. Have you seen any good movies lately?"

"Baby carrots rock. You feel like a giant, just popping them into your mouth with impunity, ha ha ha, I'm eating all the vegetable crops in the village and there will be none for you come winter!"

It's a question I honestly dread. I'm more than comfortable sharing my grammatically incorrect film opinions online, but when it comes to people in my vicinity putting me on the spot for an instant movie recommendation that I just know has no right answer — since no one defines "good" movies in the same way — I had to pause. My mind whisked away to remember the past few films I'd seen. Townies, a depressing and repulsive "comedy" that included a mentally retarded fellow having sex with a dead girl; Spy Hard; and all four House Party movies.

So the answer to their question was, no, I really hadn't seen anything good lately. Instead of trying to explain why I actively seek out mediocre and horrible films to find the unusually talented hidden treasures that sometimes emerge, I took the easy way out and mumbled something about Shrek 2, and then helped myself to the baby carrot platter. Baby carrots rock. You feel like a giant, just popping them into your mouth with impunity, ha ha ha, I'm eating all the vegetable crops in the village and there will be none for you come winter!

Although you'd have to either pay me handsomely or intoxicate me with a variety of aerosol products to say that Spy Hard is a "good" movie, I refuse to go the predictable, easy route of condemning it. I'm one of those people that can't wholly denounce a film to the lowest depths of the never-ending inferno where Carrot Top's progeny burns eternally if I see something clever and likable in my viewing. My whole platform for holding Spy Hard from the immolating abyss is that Agent WD-40's (Leslie Nielsen) boss, a portly and paranoid chap, continually disguises himself in any room that he's in as various unexpected objects. To see a Laz-E-Boy recliner suddenly tear apart and transform into a humanoid shape prickles the hairs on the back of my bronzed neck. Simply awesome.

Spy Hard had an equal number of things going for it as it did with completely boneheaded decisions. You'd think that the formula PARODY + LESLIE NEILSON would equal JOLLY GOOD FUN FOR ALL, but there's some wacky subtraction going on and possibly some of those derivative things that calculus teachers make you learn knowing full well that anyone who mentions mathematical "derivatives" on the street will be dead within four minutes.

What did Spy Hard struggle against? It came in the mid-90's era where parodies were passé (the time between Hot Shots Part Deux and the unfortunately popular Scary Movie). Like Airplane II, it shamelessly capitalized off previous — and far more excellent — parodies, with the Naked Gun inner narrations and other time-tested puns that are line for line lifted into here. More importantly, it took the basic outline of parodies that had worked in far more successful movies and then dumbed it down to a point that most movie theaters had a three drink minimum to view it, just so people would actually laugh at such outrageous names like Agent 3.14 and Miss Cheevus.

Parodies must strike a balance between rapid, high-intelligence quips and the low-brow fare that common chimps hoot and holler over. As with many lesser parody flicks, Spy Hard all but ignores any sign of treating its audience with respect and merely goes for the cheap, 99-cent gags. It's a shame, because you can pick through this movie and find some really great stuff: silly performances (like the one agent who speaks in a great JFK accent, or Mr. Miyagi as a decidedly gay waiter) and a number of other jokes that aren't bad, they just needed better timing or more subtlety to really make fly. Plus, Neilson makes the goofiest faces that appeal to the inner baby in me. Googey-goo!

As it is, Spy Hard remains only as a predecessor to the other James Bond parodies, such as the riotious Austin Powers and the Rowanish Johnny English. Check, please.

AWESOME! Al-approved Which is your favorite funny face?

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Opening song by… Weird Al Yankovic!
• Mr. T! As the pilot!
• I really didn’t want to see Andy Griffith mostly nude…
• Mimes should be shot with silencers. It’s okay to groan now.
• Fabio… why?
• Sumo silhouette
• I want that Evil Deeds Done sign
• It’s Benson!
• If you’re a considerate evil genius, give the good guys a time frame for your dastardly plan
• The JFK-speaking guy
• Lounge chairs make great disguise outfits
• Michael Jackson is a bit flammable
• They did a pretty good job covering the Speed soundtrack theme
• Mr. Miyagi. Is gay.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

There's a lot of text jokes sprinkled in with the end credits, as per par for this sort of flick.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

The spoof list includes: Goldfinger, Thunderball, Mission: Impossible, Planet of the Apes, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Apocalypse Now, Airplane!, For Your Eyes Only, E.T., Never Say Never Again, Jeopardy!, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Die Hard, Hard to Kill, Air America, Home Alone, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Sister Act, Cliffhanger, Jurassic Park, In the Line of Fire, Speed, True Lies, The Mask, The Shawshank Redemption, Pulp Fiction, Apollo 13, GoldenEye

Groovy Quotes

Steel: I’ll be back in a half-hour.
Driver: Ooh! Half-hour! I can drop off my dog at the groomer…

Steele: I'm going in there.
Ukrinsky: That's crazy!
Steele: No, crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, muttering "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."

Steele: Operator, get me Washington.
Operator: George?
Steele: D.C.

Ukrinsky: Have a nice flight, and I wish you adieus
Steele: Thank you, but I am quite satisfied with the do I have.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Naked Gun
• Austin Powers
• Mafia