Sue's Top Five Cinematic Studs

Right, I know what you’re thinking. Lissa just did this! In fact, she and Kyle pretty much have both the genders covered when it comes to pointing out cinematic star-quality, attractiveness and general bog-standard nookie appeal. They’ve been shooting articles of this nature back and forth with all the speed and consistency of Forrest Gump playing ping-pong. And bless them for it, I say!

This does leave me a little out in the cold however when it comes to waxing poetic (actually there’s nothing poetic about waxing) about the actors who set my own droolometer™ to dangerously above flood stage.

The Author, Pre-Concussion

So, I’m going to set aside the fantasies of the mature, single-n-lookin’ woman that I is and tap into the much more innocent hopes and dreams of the horse-crazy kid I once was.

Okay, and that I still am, if you really must know.

For a bit of background, the horse bug bit me at the tender age of eight. Actually, it was a pony named Pancho and I was plenty tender because that little chunklet of GravyTrain bit me right in the gut. I’ve been wreaking my revenge on the equine species ever since… and vice versa. I'm a graduate of stable management school (Sort of a U-Muck) and I have vast experience in training horses, riding horses and demonstrating how to fall off horses with style, grace and fortitude. In return, I have been the recipient of three misaligned vertebrae, one ruptured muscle in my right leg that left a permanent dent and one concussion-related incidence of short-term amnesia.

Where was I?

For that matter, who am I?

And who are all of you people?

Oh… yes. Right.

Without further ado or dementia, and in no particular order, I present my top five studs... even the ones who are geldings and/or deceased. (Hey, I'm OLD. I can't help that most of 'em are beyond geriatric!)

Spoiler Alerts Galore folks. Be warned.

Surf and Sand. Tough business!

The Black Stallion

Movie Treatment: Horse is kidnapped, shackled, leaps off a sinking ship, survives on a desert island by bartering pony rides for seaweed, is rescued, relocates to New York, starts a career as an unregistered (although don't we all guess by now that he's a blue-blooded diamond in the rough) racehorse, triumphs in a three way match race with the best Thoroughbreds in the country and goes on to greater adventures and a life of perfectly legal polygamy over the course of one sequel and a few dozen books. Seabiscuit, eat your heart out!

The Real Meadow Muffin: The actual horse in The Black Stallion was, shockingly enough, a black Arabian stallion with the rather unstudly name of Cass Ole. (I keep thinking 'casserole' and that can't be a good word association.) Prior to his movie career, Cass was a champion in the show ring and about as gorgeous as gorgeous can be. His only drawback was that he had several white markings, which had to be dyed black to keep him 'in character'.

Cass not only mastered the standard equine repertoire or movie tricks, he was also gracious enough to gallop around a beach full of camera crew with only an invisibly thin line around his neck and a child actor (Kelly Reno) for steering and brakes. Considering that the Arabian breed is not known for its happy-go-lucky demeanor (psychotic yes, happy-go-lucky no) and that stallions of any breed tend to be rabidly fixated on thoughts on procreation and very little else, I have to raise my glass, or at least a bucket of nice warm bran mash to this classy stud. Posthumously, unfortunately.

The Black Stallion books and movies were successful enough to spawn a later television series and a registered Quarter Horse stallion replaced Cass Ole in the title role. His name is Docs Keepin Time and after his successful television run, he went on to become the second cinematic stud on my list as...

Line dancing practice

Black Beauty

Movie Treatment: Black Beauty is another horse-down-on-his-luck story. Born to wealth but a victim of circumstance and alcoholism (not his own) Beauty descends through the seven levels of equine career hell, ending up flipping burgers at McDonalds and working as a telemarketer with a third-world accent before being rescued. Or something along those lines. It's been a while since I've seen the movie.

The Real Road Apple: Docs Keepin Time is a mighty purty piece of horseflesh, but what I really like about him is that he's not some namby-pamby wussie pony. Nope, Doc (can I call you Doc?) does his own stunt work, including being slathered in flame resistant gel, and walking through a raging fire for the obligatory stable burning down scene in the movie. To put this in human terms, it's tantamount to Justin applying for a job with CAP, Poolman donating his kilt to the Salvation Army or Kyle dating Roseanne. These things are just unnatural, but of course the best actors do thrive on difficult roles.

A prolific actor (and well... stallions are prolific in other ways too, but that's a different story) Doc also played the role of Gulliver in The Horse Whisperer and was even featured in ads for Busch beer. No typecasting here!

Moving along to an equine of an alternative hue, let's take a moment to consider the late great steed of the singing cowboy. (No no no, not Billy Crystal.) I'm talking about Roy Rogers and...

Talk to the hoof.

Trigger

Movie Treatment: Uhm... there were just too many, even though in my experience they all had the same plot. Cowboy and horse, cowgirl in peril, much galloping around and the inevitable warbling of "Happy Trails".

They Stuff Horses, Don't They?: Born with the unfortunate name "Golden Cloud" - which might belong in a preschooler's 'I-Can-Read' book, but (and I mean this) absolutely nowhere else, this palomino had a repertoire of tricks probably unequaled by any four-hoofed actor before or since... or Ben Affleck.

As can be witnessed in just oodles of films, (making me wonder if there was some sort of frequent footage discount) Trigger was smart, beautiful and he had tremendous balance. Believe it or not, it's incredibly difficult for a horse to stand up on his hind legs, particularly with a rider in the saddle. Worst case scenarios involve a very surprised (and/or unconscious) person on the ground with 1,200 lbs. of equally surprised horse sitting in his/her lap. Trust me. I know this. Remember that ruptured muscle I mentioned? But the point is that Trigger could rear on cue and stay in the air for half an hour while reading Tolstoy if he was so inclined. Pun not intended!

In any case, Roy was so smitten with this horse that he bought him from the studio for the equivalent of two years' salary. (Which probably translates to about six on-air seconds for Tom Cruise.) This might explain why, when Trigger's soul went on to that big box stall in the sky, Roy had the pasturely remains of his faithful pardner stuffed and mounted. For the record, Dale Evans' horse, Buttermilk and their loyal german shepherd Bullet also received the benefits of taxidermied immortality (as long as the moths don't get at them). The price of fame is steep.

"Cisco" - Dances With Wolves

Movie Treatment: Now let's look at the plight of Lt. John Dunbar's trusty steed Cisco, in Dances With Wolves. Cisco's introduction to Dunbar was a full blown gallop in front of Confederate guns in an apparent suicide attempt (did anyone ask the horse?!), followed by a long trek into Native American country where he was repeatedly stolen, made to run into herds of bison and ended up being shot.

No Poop: The buckskin Quarter Horse who was tapped to play the role of Cisco is named...

Justin.

Yes, I'm serious.

While there's nothing to complain about in the looks department, what I've always appreciated about this horse is his expressiveness. This is very important in an actor who gets no speaking lines beyond, "snort" or "whinny". I don't expect the typical layman to know this, but horses can actually communicate quite clearly in sign language - posture, position of ears, flare of nostrils, tension of muzzle, set of tail... you'd be amazed. After years of careful study, I am fully qualified as an equine interpreter, and because of that, I can reveal to you now that in Dances With Wolves, Justin's primary and repeated message was: "I've read the treatment for Waterworld! Humanity, I beg you! You must STOP COSTNER!" (He was really very eloquent.)

Of course, nobody heeded his warning and rumor has it that Justin was so scarred by the subsequent releases of both Waterworld and The Postman, that he retired from acting, changed his appearance and is now living in embittered obscurity as a movie reviewer.

Cute and Fluffy. Like Lilo and Stitch!

The Horse From The Man From Snowy River

Movie Treatment: Lowly mountain horse is ridiculed by 'discerning horsemen' with no fashion sense and proves them all wrong by chasing a 'mob of wild brumbies' to a standstill and galloping straight down a sheer drop without cratering himself at the bottom. When not being used for early Aussie extreme sports, he lugs his rider and his rider's girlfriend around on his back, desperately hoping that they never decide to double date.

Crikey, Get A Load Of Those Little Beauties!: With all these drop-dead (and actually dead) gorgeous hunks on horseshoes I've been prattling on about, you might think I'm a sucker for a shiny coat and a rakishly tossed forelock. Perish the thought! Whoa, even! My tastes in most things often runs to the overlooked, the obscure and even the moderately freakish. This is why my heart always goes pitter-pat when I see the pencil necked, narrow chested, mule eared, mousy dun horse from Snowy River. Not even given a name (it was Denny) until the sequel came out, this sure-footed (unless you look at the outtakes - OUCH!) part mountain horse, part mountain goat totally stole the show in my own incredibly biased opinion. Keep your "last colt from old Regret". Denny is just darned CUTE! I actually named an ex-racehorse I bought after him. (Only to discover that said horse was a wood-chewing, eyeball-popping, obsessive-compulsive freak who couldn't even scramble up a gentle slope without trying to break three of his four legs and two of mine.)

As much as I adore Denny, you'd think others would be of the same mind and that there'd be just oodles of information about him on the Internet. There isn't. I did find one rumor that Denny died during the production of Return From Snowy River, but I couldn't substantiate it, so I'm going to assume that my favorite homely horse lived to ripe old age and isn't currently in a glass display case.