Justin's Rating: The Hobbit's Revenge
Justin's Review: When you think of Toy Soldiers, invariably one of two things come to mind. Either you think about that 1989 Martika song ("Step by step, heart to heart, left right left, we all fall down, the toy soldiers" -- there, now it's stuck in your head, thank me later), or you smile, because you think about that movie where Wesley Crusher gets killed.

Oh, wait, there's gonna be spoilers in this review. Is that okay?

I'm not completely sure, but I think Toy Soldiers was marketed as Die Hard meets The Goonies by an evil Hollywood studio, which could account for both terrorists and Sean "the Hobbit who needed swimming lessons" Astin. Astin is replacing the role of Bruce Willis as lead butt-kicker, which is unfortunate for all who watch. Unless you idea of masculinity comes from a mullet-wearing teenager whose voice is still pitched high enough to sensually attract dogs, there's no coming close to a yippie-ki-yay here.

Astin plays Billy, a "rebellious" and "out of control" teen at a prep academy. He has a hard time looking that rebellious, though... I'm sure all of the other cast members kept whispering "Hey, one-eye Willy!" behind his back, which made him come off as more of a surly brat who could simply benefit from a two-hour spanking. Yay, swearing makes you bad to the bone, don't you know! Of course, we all know that bratty out-of-control teens are tactical masterminds just waiting for the right opportunity to prove their leadership skills and save the day. Who wouldn't want to follow this guy to the death, a kid who has no tolerance for authority or structure? I mean, woo-hoo, anarchy's all fun until you've gotta be the one in charge, and suddenly the rules make sense.

In any case, Billy finds his hidden genius quickly put to the test as Columbian drug terrorists mosey on into the United States and take over the school in order to hold it hostage. What's their goal in this risky endeavor, you might ask? Well, they figure it's just the best way to get their other drug lord pal freed from having to stand trial because DRUGS ARE BAD. These terrorists are muy estupido from start to finish. First off, they kill a woman in Columbia for no reason other than the fact that they're not patient enough to wait for a newscast that informs them that their drug lord friend is already in U.S. custody. Then, they take over the school because one of the kids' father is a judge in this trial -- but hey, here's a laugh! The kid isn't there when they capture the school! So unlike the Rainbow Coalition from Die Hard, these terrorists are way up poop creek, shooting holes in the bottom of their boat with their automatic rifles.

So from that point on, they've essentially lost. As proven in Red Dawn, no army on this planet is strong or skilled enough to beat a gang of American teenagers. What are some little sissy terrorists gonna do? They're going to die, that's what! Die knowing that some kid with orthadentia brained them with a ten-pound can of pink paint! I'm just waiting for the action movie where they drop Mrs. Holsen's 7th hour chemistry class into communist China to swat a few million oppressors before Total Request Live comes on.

Victory does not come without a price, however, and for every couple dozen terrorists killed, one teen's gotta bite it. Fortunately for us, it's Joey (Wil Wheaton), Mr. Wesley Crusher himself. Not to retread an already decade-long hate rant, but Wesley nearly killed Star Trek: The Next Generation with his child prodigy exploits. For years, it's all any Star Trek fan could do to keep the nightmares coming at night: a smarty pants teen -- who was in all probability still wearing space diapers -- was piloting the Enterprise. Everyone in the world wanted Wesley dead, and that's a safe exaggeration. So when the filmmakers of Toy Soldier needed a mandatory "NOOOO! You killed my best friend! You're all gonna pay!" death, they managed to fulfill a fantasy of millions everywhere. I'm not a vengeful man at heart, but I could watch that scene on instant reply for a good long while. Unfortunately, there's a lot of sappy music and forced crying that goes on after, which steals some of my joy.

Now, terrorists barging into a school cafeteria unloading their weapons probably isn't the most politic scene in this day and age, but I think that most of us can just accept this movie for the fantasy it is without harping on unnecessary similarities. However, while we might not be as offended for the locale, there's plenty to hold against the plot. This is just a heaping mish-mash of "kids versus the bad guys" and "against all odds, we defeat the terrorists" flicks, and they manage to make it rather uninteresting by failing to give it a heart. We don't even know or like the kids before the incident begins, and the terrorists themselves are merely cardboard creations that wave guns around and shoot someone every ten minutes because it keeps the blood squib guys on the set happy.

Apparently no one has informed anyone in this movie that the U.S. never negotiates with terrorists (something that we've learned from every other film since 1980), and so the military just sits on their hands for a long time instead of doing a little [insert your favorite First Person Shooter game] action. That means it's up to the kids, and their ever-wacky booby traps! Hard to believe as it is, the outside-school stuff (tense discussions, parent ranting, meetings and more meetings) are less interesting than the inside-school stuff. Constantly yanking the audience outside the school serves to detract from the oppressive and isolating factors at play. More or less, however, things turn out okay in the end, and everyone agrees to forget that Wil Wheaton ever starred in this flick.