Justin's Rating: My Piven, thou hast forsaken me...
Justin's Review: Let's explore the concept known as the "dark comedy". This is a film in which people fall into bad situations and do bad things, yet draw laughs from the very outrageousness of these acts. Somebody forgot to fill in the makers of Very Bad Things as to the "comedic" aspect. This film is all dark and no laughs.

Am I a prude? Nay, I'm a verteran of such dark comedies like Evil Dead 2 and The House of Yes. But this horrible, despicable film actually made me curl up on my couch and wimper to myself that it would soon be over. The plot goes something like this: a group of five guys go to Vegas for Kyle's (Jon Favreau) bachelor party. This involves breaking pretty much all of the Ten Commandments, including doing hard drugs and Michael (Jeremy Piven) getting it on with a prostitute. He accidentally impales her in the back of her head with a towel hook, then Robert Boyd (Christian Slater) stabs a security guard with a corkscrew when he comes to investigate. Laughing yet? Of course these guys are idiots and decide to bury the bodies in the desert, where the one Jewish guy makes a fuss about the bodies being dismembered and insists they be reconnected. Ah! A game! For the whole family!

Back in their hometown, each one falls prey to guilt and the others are "forced" to quiet them in order to protect their hineys. Kyle's fiancee (Cameron Diaz) is a cold-hearted fish who desires to get married above all, and she will not be stopped. Throw into the mix a kid on crutches and families falling apart, and you easily have the most depressing film ever. I laughed not once from beginning to the sick, sick end. In fact, this is one of those movies that gets you so mad it was ever made that you feel necessary to call up friends to vent on how awful it was.

Haven't we seen this plot a million times by now, as well? I hate watching films where a group of good friends go sour after making a crucial decision (see A Simple Plan, Suicide Kings). There's no doubt what's going to happen in the end, the only question is who bites it and who survives in misery.

The best thing I can say about Very Bad Things is that its title gives it a very accurate summary and review.

PoolMan's Rating: Steaming pile, anyone?
PoolMan's Review: I wanted to write this review without having read Justin's first, but temptation overwhelmed me. Bang on, good buddy, bang on.

Seeing as our astute leader will censor me if I use language too strong here, I will use a weak word repeatedly and hope the same effect sinks in: crap crap crap crap crap crap crap. This is the first time, EVER, while watching a movie that I've checked the rental box to see how much longer I would have to watch it. Zowee.

Here's my short list of stuff that bothered me:

• the screaming, begging security guard (that haunted me, actually)
• the overuse of car accidents as a mode of humour
• the crippled children, and their attitude
• the bitch fiance, and her attitude
• Boyd's totally inexplicable evil streak, which is vaguely blamed on some self-empowerment seminar he went on
• the wheelchair/screaming bitch wife scene at the end

Bottom line: save the $5 rental charge, and spend it on something more entertaining, like a box of diapers.

Clare's Rating: I would have preferred it if Peter Berg had just come over to my house and punched me in the gut instead. At least then I wouldn't have had to pay for the insult.
Clare's Review: I know this movie has been lambasted by many, more widely read critics than myself and I certainly can't think of a new and hilarious way to describe how crap-assed Very Bad Things is. However, as a personal favor, just keep reading anyway.

I have to assume that the script read WAY funnier than the movie ended up being because it attracted all sorts of talent whose judgment is usually more discerning. My main worry about the movie is for the people out there who saw Very Bad Things without having seen anything else that Jeremy Piven or Jon Favreau have worked on. The film does no one involved with it any justice but it hurt most to watch these two working so hard to make something watchable of their characters. Since Peter Berg, who I've always thought was a pretty talented guy, both wrote and directed Very Bad Things, I feel comfortable placing the majority of blame for this mess squarely on his shoulders.

I thought for a while, because it was released as a dark comedy, that perhaps I just didn't get the joke. Maybe I didn't watch it in the right frame of mind to really appreciate the tone with which the story was told. Then I snapped out of it and realized that I didn't think it was funny or entertaining or engaging because it wasn't. I've never seen a more hateful movie. The claim that it's supposed to be taken lightly only made things worse and ended up proving to be a really pathetic cop out. If you're going to fill a story with weak, morally bankrupt, unrepentantly abhorrent characters, at least have the decency to write them with a sense of pride. As it is, we're expected to derive entertainment value from watching a bunch of jerks, who treat each other horribly, kill one anther off one by one. If I wanted that I'd just watch the evening news for belly laughs. I was left feeling a lot of things by the end of this movie (raging disappointment for one) but nothing more so than the clear understanding that, stop me if you've heard this one folks, Peter Berg hates women! Now that's comedy!

The only reason I could recommend this movie is because Jeremy Piven's ass makes a brief cameo and it was interesting to find out what it (or his stunt butt) looked like. If the sight of a man's ass is the only thing worth recommending about a film, it's probably best to keep moving.

Didja Notice?
How certain tones at the end of this movie echoed Heathers
The second murder weapon, a corkscrew, is featured in the title graphic
The rabbi at the funeral is Jeremy Piven's real-life dad
That gnawing pain in your stomach as the bodies piled up?
Daniel Stern's character is fanatically Jewish, but his brother doesn't seem to be at all. (even if he does wear a one of those caps)

The Movie Store!
Very Bad Things: Movie [VHS]
Very Bad Things: Movie [DVD]
Very Bad Things: Soundtrack [CD]

Intermission!
Adam Sandler was originally considered for the role that Jeremy Piven got. I can't imagine how tragic that might have been if Sandler fell into this bomb of a movie.

Groovy Quotes:

Laura: I am a created like no other and I will not, I *will* not, be common!

Robert Boyd: If you take away the horror of the scene, take away the tragedy of the death, take away all the moral and ethical implications that have been drilled into your head since grade one, do you know what you're left with? A 105-pound problem that needs to be moved from point A to point B.

Michael: Your kid is one crutch short of a telethon.

If you liked this movie, try these:
Heathers