Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"Welcome to Thunderdome, bitch."

2005 R / Workplace Comedy Directed by: Rob McKittrick Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Anna Faris, Justin Long

Tagline

No one's gonna make it big here.

Summary Capsule

Cooks and waiters are simmering hotbeds of discontentment... who knew?

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Amazon.com: DVD

Justin's Rating: You may never eat out again after seeing this flick. Seriously.
Justin's Review: True fact: if I ever hear the word "Ryan" connected to the word "Reynolds", I am there. This explains how I ended up in a very bad part of town last Saturday night, where they sold monkey organs for transplant off of the back of a truck, and where a midget with bad hair kept following me everywhere, licking his lips. It also explains why I actually saw Blade III.

"I had high hopes, but I was crushed, like when that midget finally gave up running after me and tossed a toilet off of the roof of a building to land on my back."

Let's eschew supposed modern "funny men", like Will Ferrell or Vincent Vaughn, and actually turn our attention to comedy actors who can pull off a laugh like they got a pair, shall we? I consider Ryan Reynolds to have picked up the torch long since dropped by Chevy Chase and Bill Murray, carrying it with pride as he relishes being a witty, sarcastic jerk that you just have to like. Other than Van Wilder, he hasn't seen much in terms of widespread success (and even that film was pretty derided by critics), yet I can't but see a bright future for a guy who can pull off such enthusiastic weirdness as this fellow.

Therefore, it's a sad day when I must come back to you and report that Reynolds is the only bright spot in the workplace comedy Waiting… — and it's not that bright of a spot. The concept of a comedy set over the course of a day in one of those tacky restaurants where crap is bolted to the ceiling and walls is a promising one. Also promising is the presence of Anna Faris, Justin Long, and Luis Guzmán. I had high hopes, but I was crushed, like when that midget finally gave up running after me and tossed a toilet off of the roof of a building to land on my back.

It's a bright day at Shenaniganz, when new kid Mitch is shown the ropes. Instead of a professional, friendly and, above all else, sane workplace, Mitch is exposed to moody waiters, disgusting cooks and a running game where the object is to make other people look at your genetalia. Yes. It's a penis game. He's pulled in tow by head waiter Monty (Reynolds), who has nothing but disrespect for the head manager and the customers alike. Over the events of the day, a dozen or so little subplots occur (there is no main story here), and everyone is given their little slice of the comedy pie and asked to do what they can with it.

What they can turns out to be, not a lot. I probably can't fault the actors, because the piddly crap they're handed is mostly unfunny at best, and revolting at worst. There's a lesbian bartender… and she hits on a female customer. Ha. There's a cook who likes to have sex with his girlfriend. Ha. There's an angry waitress who bottles up her fury to take out on everyone back in the kitchen. Ha. There are two Jay and Silent Bob-look-alikes who get toasted and talk in gangsta fashion. Ha. There's a guy who can't pee at a public urinal. Ha. Mitch is never allowed a word in edgewise. Ha. And so on, and so on.

What's even worse are the truly revolting parts of Waiting…, such as a subplot where the underage hostess is being hit on by both the manager and Monty (because statutory rape is always a comedy goldmine!) — Monty boasts about a "thing" he has for high school girls, which is as creepy as it sounds. Also, the cooks do their all-out best to violate food in the most disgusting manner possible, ensuring that you'll never leave the sanctity of your home again for someone else's cooking. Does this all sound like a productive way to spend a couple of your life's hours?

While it could've been another entry into the workplace comedy classics, Waiting… merely lacks in comparison to all of the films it wants to be. If you like Reynolds, go with Van Wilder. If you like dark workplace satire, go Clerks II or Office Space. If you like a fun, breezy workplace, check out Empire Records. All of these are much better than this movie, and you won't hate yourself as much afterward.

Just because they serve you, doesn't mean they like you. At all. I need a pair of hair clippers and a garden hose, STAT! "Justin Long, how many movies HAVE you been in? Five quillion?"

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Producer Jeff Balis makes a cameo as a diner

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Credits include a music video starring Andy Milonakis and Max Kasch.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

As an April Fools' Day joke, director Rob McKittrick and actor Luis Guzmán staged a "diva fight" on set. During the filming of the scene where Calvin imagines his co-workers cheering him on at the urinal, Guzmán pretended to ditch a line from the script in favor of his own line. The fight was so realistic that the other actors on set became very uncomfortable and quiet when Guzmán "stormed" out.

Groovy Quotes

Floyd: Welcome to Thunderdome, bitch.

Serena: [talking to Monty] So... you know how when you're walking by a group of people, and you hear them laughing, you sometimes get that paranod, self- conscious feeling that maybe they're laughing about you, when they're really not? Well in your case, they really are.

Monty: I must say there's nothing more attractive than tainted youth. Yes, I am indeed a pervert. Does that offend you?

Monty: Those guys should be sterilized. And I'm not kidding at all.

Bishop: Psychosomatic auditory hallucinations. Most people have to pay for such a thing.

Dean: Excuse me, sir. You forgot your change.
Redneck: No, that's for you, that's your tip.
Dean: Oh, no, no, no, I insist. You take it. You obviously need this more than I do.

Dan: Ma'am, I don't doubt the steak was over-cooked, but did you have to eat it all before you complained about it?

Male Customer #1: It's too bad Chlamydia has to be a venereal disease. It's such a pleasant-sounding word.

Dean: How many times can we have the exact same conversation?
Monty: It's like we're stuck in a time paradox where neither our wisdom nor your virginity will ever escape.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Clerks II
• Empire Records
• Office Space