Dungeons & Dragons

Before I began my quest, which I knew would be an arduous and trying experience, I thought, what the hey? Might as well check out the "special features" on this craptacular DVD I purchased (under a fit of partial amnesia and brain worms, in my defense). People, it's telling that before you start the movie up, they're already trying their best to annoy you with menu "games" that you have to solve to get to the special features. One viewing of the film's trailer and a deep breath later, I plunged in to watch Dungeons & Dragons for my second — and probably last — time. Will it be as bad as my first experience, or even worse, without PoolMan's comforting sobbing somewhere to the left of my shoulder?

The film kicks off with a tribute to Braveheart, as we plow through miles of mist while the narrator forgets to turn on the fog lights. He does, however, inform us that in this fan-tastic fantasy country, the mages ("Those with magic," he helpfully explains to anyone with brain trauma in the audience) are the Have's, and the rest of the public common slime are the Have-Not's. The place is Ismir, which makes me continually think of "pap smear", a Spell of Gross Connection to say the least. The sinister voice also gives us our two main victims, the Heroic Empress Savina ("Who wants equality for all", suggesting that she is a Communist), and the Evil Profion, a name which sounds like a prescription drug that cures fungal rot. 0:33

Sweetpea! The ingredient for tasty movies!

With that, and the audience's blood tingling with the endless exciting possibilities, the words "A Sweetpea Entertainment Production" flashes on screen. Popeye lurks nearby. 0:55

Suddenly, we find ourselves swooping along inside someone's lackluster version of Photoshop. As we'll discover, Dungeons & Dragons quite loves its computer effects, all of which are just three shades too fakey to be able to be swallowed by viewers. They're not Tron horrible, but all of it has that "video game cutscene" feel, and nowhere near the polish of Fellowship of the Ring, which came out not too long after this. Over a bridge, around a city, and deep into the spooky, spooky sewers we go! What's going on down here? Is it a poker tournament? Why, it's an underground room tastefully decorated with skulls! Gears! Torches! And what appears to be a janitor! Mopping! 1:39

We get our first glimpse of Profion (Jeremy Irons), freshly back from another circuit through pharmacy conventions. What's Evil wearing today? Black garb, a maroon cloak, and a crazed expression, it seems. While he makes his descent down the Evil Beauty Pageant staircase, his first runner-up Damodar (Bruce Payne) is standing by. In a movie full of wacky outfits, prosthetics and hair design, Damodar handily tops them all due to a little thing we like to call Blue Lips. Seriously. His lips are bright, Kool-Aid blue. And he's completely bald. The whole effect of his look screams less "threatening" and much more "got lost on my way to a rave." 1:56

My... wacky... precioussss...

Profion shows off his wind-swept eyebrows, and then lets loose a torrent of electricity at a rotating wand in a gyroscope. "So be it, young Jedi!" The skulls on the table don't seem to mind. They like a good show before dinner. Whatever he does seems to work, because Profion looks slightly less constipated, and he stalks across the room to get the green wand. Man, these skulls are everywhere! Let's have a counting contest, for those of you at home! In any case, Jeremy Irons sports the most goofy-looking expressions of glee, evil and post-orgasmic bliss as he takes this wand and hisses in delight. Geez. 2:48

Ordering the hooded janitors to let a dragon loose — a dragon they somehow captured and brought down into the sewers, no less — Profion stands at the ready. A peeved computer graphic stomps out of captivity and promptly fries one of the janitors with a fireball. Them's the breaks. Profion's newly acquired wand, which he did not really have to go through much to get, I might add, tames the dragon. Damodar is stunned. "You have the power to control dragons!" he bellows. Well, yes, Damodar. What did you think we were doing here? Making pasta? Damodar grins and smirks like a dull-witted school yard bully let in on a secret. 4:14

But oh no! Profion loses control of the computer graphic and it starts to charge! With some patented Magic^tm, he rips a page from Return of the Jedi and kills the dragon by making the heavy door fall. Guess you won't be roasting any Empresses tonight, Proffie. 5:13

Always keep your mouths open and your earflaps up

I liked it better with Profion, however, because some spilled dragon's blood — which ignites water, apparently — blows us out of the sewers and into the laps of our second-tier heroes, Ridley (Justin Whalin) and Snails (Marlon Wayans). They're supposed to be thieves, but what they really want to be is a comedy duo. Don't worry, they suck at both. Ridley has the pretty boy look going on, with a sort of Han Solo-lite outfit, while Snails — perhaps the DUMBEST name ever given to a character in a film — looks exactly as if the D&D wardrobe department thought that since he's black, they should make him look like he stepped out of a modern ghetto. In a world of blue lips and flammable blood, Snails is the element which does not belong the most. He and Ridley bicker about the Mages being big fat meanies, but you can see the love is still there. 5:58

Like Gotham City, Ismir is peppered with impossibly tall skyscrapers; and like Batman, this director can't help but swoop up and down them before every scene. Hope you're not afraid of heights! We swoop right into a counsel room where Profion is swaying the rabble-like crowd of mage senators to take away the Empresses' sceptor (another dragon-controlling wand). Apparently, she's "young" and has "revolutionary views" to be nice to the non-mages. Sucker. Jeremy Irons pops another Overacting Pill and goes to work. No scene too big, no part too small, to chew through like a rabid grinch. 8:35

"But I wanna go to Tashi Station to pick up some power converters!"

Here we meet the lil'est Empress (Thora Birch), who will shock and surprise you with her childish underacting. Walking through a very scenic cathedral, she whines to her advisor about how all the other meanie mages are turning against her. While I know we're supposed to root for her and her cause in the film, she's yet to show the me that she could be a competent leader. I'd rather have Mr. Evil in charge, at least he'd get things done. In this scene, the Empress looks like a cross between Cruela DeVille and a Japanese Geisha. "All people deserve to be free and equal, whether the be common or mage!" the petulant Empress says. Luke Skywalker, we've found your soulmate in whine. By the way, she "knows" this in the "depths of her soul". Wow. She is deep. By the way part two, there's apparently a THIRD magic wand out there that controls red dragons. Nobody in the film audience has any idea what the first two wands do, anyway, so there might as well be another one. 9:32

Oh no! It appears the Profion, who's already had a full day, was listening in! And he wants the wand! Thus, he commands Blue Lips to go get a scroll (Now there's a scroll too! Better keep notes, I say.) from the advisor. I'm guessing it's a treasure map to a better movie. 10:20

So far, in the first ten minutes, the director has firmly established that he likes (a) putting random skulls everywhere, and (b) long sweeping computer camera shots up and down buildings. Someone needs to tell him there's a better way to transition between scenes. Or, well, any other way at all. 10:25

Dear Lord, it's like Ping-Ponging between bad actors and bad actors. Back we go to Snails and Ridley, who have somehow climbed 500 feet into a mage school tower. They have some faintly humorous bantering (Snails talking about being beaten from "the waist down" by a halfling is a cheery thought). They look around, and impressed by a dragon skeleton, they start hugging in greedy glee. Mind you, they haven't actually stolen anything yet, but they just like the hugs. 11:33

Librarian Under Cover(s)

In the Sistine Chapel-ish library (this film crew did go to a lot of nice Prague locations), the Empress' advisor is urging his assistant Marina to learn the Dewey Decimal System, and pronto! Looking the part of a stereotypical tight-bunned yet sexy librarian, Marina learns some more of the exposition. The Empress has three days to find the other rod to maintain her rule, and there's a lot of stuff about how or what the rods do, but man... it's late and I don't care much about dragon control right now. Marina pines to be a full-fledged mage, but as we discover, nobody in this film is actually capable in the character class they're given. She's like a level minus-five mage, where every spell she casts ends up vaporizing her own torso. 12:50

Meanwhile, Snails is trying to steal what appears to be a two-ounce, three-foot dragon tooth, and Ridley is showing off his butt to the audience. Snails was better off with the tooth, because his next find sends a huge dragon hologram roaring through the air. That kinda defeats the thieves' stealth rating, but it's for the sake of the plot. Marina investigates, and S&R pretend to be the cleaning crew. What is up with this film and janitors? She isn't having any of it, and uses magic^tm to tie them up. Ridley and Marina start sparring words, apparently trying to work up some sexual "I like you but I'm going to pretend I hate you" tension, but it makes no sense since they don't even know each other yet. By the way, they're "magically" tied up with four of the loosest loops of rope you'll ever see. I think the actors had to press against it to keep it from falling down. 15:13

A yell sends Marina (with Snails and Ripley in tow) to the rescue of her mentor. Blue Lips and his "Crimson Guard" are trying to find the Scroll of Plot Understanding. The old man flings the scroll at Marina, dies for it (was it worth it, old man?), and Marina starts flinging magic^tm all over the place. She's doing quite well for herself, at least until she opens a portal and takes the scroll and the thieves along with her. Why is this not so great? Because she fails to, you know, CLOSE it behind her. So the great escape portal only helps us transition between the library and a trash-filled alley way. She falls into a heap below a sign stating "No Dwarves Allowed". Is that politically correct? 16:11

Rogaine to the rescue!

That's the cue for us to meet yet another companion, Elwood the Dwarf. He's not so much Dwarfy, considering that he's just as tall as most of the other characters, but he's got the beard and the axe and the Viking helmet, so I'll forgive the indiscretion. Elwood's my favorite in this movie, as he quickly proves that he not only has a goodish sense of humor, but single-handedly takes on Blue Lips here and actually knocks him down! Go 'woody!

The good guys leap into the sewer entrance. Marina, obviously not Princess Leia, whines about the oncoming filth. Ridley, with the full blessing of the audience, throws her in. Blue Lips orders guards to be posted to "every sewer exit". He is not about to ruin his fantastic looks, no sir. 17:21

But it's okay! For some unexplained reason, our four heroes are now out of the sewers, in broad daylight, hiding behind a cart! Thank goodness for that, the tension was killing me. They discover that Ridley is up for the murder of the advisor, and Marina — full of new-found loyalty to her companions — wants to turn them all in to the authorities. The others beat her until she dies. At least, I wish. They slink off instead. 18:30

Head worms. Blue lips. He's already dead.

Another camera swoop up an impossibly tall tower, and Profion is chewing out Blue Lips for letting the girl go. Blue Lips looks like he's going to cry. Also, for those of you filling in your flow charts trying to keep track of characters, places, and plot points, Profion moans that the Empress has sent Norda, her finest "tracker", to look for the scroll. Who's this Norda? And will she have mockable properties? Only time will tell.

To ensure Blue Lips' continued loyalty, Profion gives him worms. Head worms, to be exact, that sprout out of his ears and will only be removed when Profion gets his junk. For some reason, this makes Blue Lips all sulky. Evil guys never get good health plans. 20:28

Crinkly and Beardy

Cut to Mos Eisley Cantina. Er, I mean, a generic and wholesome fantasy tavern where the prosthetic department went nuts and raided old Star Trek labs for alien makeup. I think I spy a gnoll, some halflings, and your standard semi-nude backup dancers, but that's as close as we're going to get for authentic D&D for the time being. Our heroes are living it up, and Elwood's making a complete pig out of himself. I so love Elwood, in a proud platonic sense. He doesn't even care this movie is crappy, he's just making the best out of a bad situation. The dwarf wants gold for their efforts (what efforts?), Marina wants to "save the Empire", and Mr. Han Solo isn't buying that. By the way, Ridley emotes so much that his face develops and incredible amount of crinkles. Count them yourself!

Marina and Ridley go through the tired motions of "bantering", but I think they're just both terrified of the mere notion of sex with each other and don't want to ratchet the insults up in fear of falling in lust. Threatening to go, Ridley doesn't, and instead manages to decifer the scroll within ten seconds. He disappears into it, and Elwood looks minorly concerned while dripping turkey meat down his beard. Marina does the same thing. Disappears. Elwood's beard is in the same deplorable condition. Ridley and Marina can be seen walking in the scroll. 23:19

In the next scene, Blue Lips is paying someone off, then warns his guards not to let the heroes escape (wait, they've already escaped... so, don't let them escape even more?). "Or I will inflict a pain on you far more than was inflicted on me," he growls. It seems his head worms are making his ears red. He's a primary color villain! 23:45

Unconcerned about their missing (loud) comrades, Elwood is regaling Snails with a story of how he's all that and a bag of chips in battle. Snails turns to see Norda, our elvish tracker, stalk through the tavern. She's wearing a cloak, so we can't yet see the ultimate outfit of anyone in this film, but patience will be rewarded, dear reader. Snails is in lurve. Elwood poo-poo's elves, saying that dwarf women have "hair on their chin that you can hang on to" (enter humping motions). Snails goes to work on Norda, giving her a modern come on line: "Are you looking for somebody in particular... or just somebody?" Yes, Snails, she gets it. You're a prostitute. Go wait in the corner. 25:30

"One point twenty-one jiggawatts!"

Oh no! Because our heroes only "escaped" perhaps twenty feet from where they were last seen, Blue Lips and his backup dancers have found them boozing it up! Elwood notices the intrusion with an expression that mimics Doc Brown from Back to the Future. "Great Scott!" Blue Lips' theme music, by the way, is the first three notes to the Imperial March from Empire Strikes Back. It's used often in this film, and without remorse. Elwood, my man of action, grabs the scroll and the biggest honking battle axe you've ever witnessed, and staggers down the stairs. It's obvious that this axe is made of painted foam, but hey, it's BIG. While Blue Lips just stands there scratching his caped butt, Elwood upturns a table and yells "Bar fight!" Tavern patrons, always on the verge of gratuitous violence, start grappling with each other for no reason, except homoerotic love. Elwood grabs Snails, who wants to go back because (roll eyes now, I command you) he's in "love". Fine, leave him. Puppy dog needs to be castrated anyhow. They escape, and Norda bashes a few heads before making her own exit. Thus we learn that evil is easily thwarted by semi-rowdy bar flies. 26:40