Dungeons & Dragons

Close your trap, or you'll catch flies

Outside in the woods (?), Snails opens the scrolls and magically^tm recalls Blinky and Boinky from their prison. Since when did Snails know anything magical? Maybe it's his hobby. Not so surprisingly for the script writers, the two are still bickering. In an amusing turn, Snails shoves Marina aside, roughly, to talk to Ridley. Marina starts to spill out more of the confusing exposition: the rod (which color now?) they're looking for caused a "great war" and can control red dragons. A side thought: has anyone considered, in this "fair and equal" progressive group, that dragons might not like to be controlled by anyone wielding a colored stick? Okay, more exposition! Ridley explains. To get the dragon wand — instead of just going home and drinking hot cocoa like any sane individual — they have to meet a dragon, and before they do THAT, they have to get the "eye of the dragon" from the Thieves' Guild. Spiffy. The running time of this movie keeps upping itself. Snails suggests they just run away instead. I hate to say this, but he's the smart man. However, Marina smirks while Ridley explains that he's a whipped, fully emasculated love slave and has to do this for his chick. Snails throws what could be accurately described as a "hissy fit." Proving an obscure point that even crappy movies have their moments, Snails sputters out, "I've got a new word for 'stupid' now: 'Ridley'! This is the Ridleyest thing I've ever heard!" Ridley uses some reverse psychology on his life partner by "understanding if you don't want to go" while smiling like a jackel. Elwood needs to behead SOMEbody at this point. Snails falls for it. What a Ridley thing to do. Elwood agrees to come along, but for the money alone. He also completely breaks the fourth wall by looking directly at the camera and shaking his head in shared pain. Norda's spying on them all, by the way, and this concludes the Chapter of Meandering Plot Points. 30:32

Great googa mooga You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch

Back in the city, our Adventure Party walks into a grungy part of town. The two thieves spot a purple-headed dude, and they follow him. Remembering that no character in this film can be proficient in their profession, Ridley and Snails are about as stealthy as a crying baby shooting off fireworks (which would, by the way, make a much better film). They catch up with the purple guy, who's also got head spikes, a nose ring, Amish beard, and a third eye. Not much for overkill, is he? He doesn't help. Hooray. Elwood tears Marina away from window shopping — "If I ain't drinking, you ain't shopping!" They all follow Purple Head to the guild, while Snails — why not — wears boots on his head. Snails also steals what appears to be a dead, stuffed cat. Snails, I hate you so much. I wish you would just... well, let's say my dream is coming true soon, my friend. They find the Thieves' Guild, which isn't that hidden or secret; it appears that half the neighborhood is in there partying. In an obvious bit of scene-correcting dubbing, Ridley "tells" Elwood to stay outside, right as the movie shows Elwood clearly entering the place. Ever diplomatic and tactful, our heroes get fingered for outsiders and captured immediately. Snails is taken away to have his fingernails yanked out, one by one (at least, I hope that's what happened). Ridley and Marina share a different fate, that of walking into an opulent room and meeting the King Thief himself. Who's bald and sporting huge hoop earrings. Doesn't anyone in this film just look, I don't know, NORMAL? He does a bit of friendly interrogation while spanking Marina. Mhm. Spankie. King Thief tells them that if they want the Eye of the Dragon, Ridley has to get through a deadly maze. Ridley — who looks remarkably like Wesley Crusher from Star Trek: The Next Generation, if I haven't mentioned that already — learns that no one's ever gotten through it alive. DUM DUM DUM DUMMMMM! 35:55

Toss me the idol, I throw you your brain

In the film's first key action sequence, and one of the very few ones that have anything remotely to do with the Dungeons & Dragons role playing game, Ridley enters his "dungeon" maze. Jabba's entourage watches from above. The first hallway features both spikes shooting up and huge pendulum blades swinging at precise moments. Every person who's played a video game in their life shrugs, releasing all tension, as they realize that all Ridley has to do is jump-pause-jump-jump-pause-run. Piece of cake. Ridley accomplishes this fairly mundane task while the musical score has an epileptic fit. The next room hosts dozens of stone eyes that shoot gigantic fireballs. As Ridley crouches, afraid of losing his precious locks to heat damage, it's apparent that he's carrying the priceless, highly flammable scroll. *beating my head on my desk* Listen up, Ridley, for all of your crinkles and shoddy acting, you're not the most annoying character here, so don't push your luck. My hatred can only be spread around so far. He figures out this simple trap and leaps through a closing doorway, which knocks his fedora off of his head. The third room, which has both spikes AND fireballs, is also easily defeated by a sword strike to an hourglass. This admits Ridley into the final chamber (short maze, eh?), where the Eye is on a sinister pedestal. Red light bathes the chamber, as Ridley carefully advances, checks for traps, and... well, just takes it off. That's it. No big finish. The Deadly Maze Of Three Rooms And No End Boss, folks! 41:10

Flush with triumph, Ridley learns that victory is short-lived; King Thief wants his gem back. Before things get ugly, Blue Lips enters to his Imperial March theme. What, is this guy perpetually five minutes late to every scene? Despite living in the same city and being the head of his organization, King Thief doesn't know who Blue Lips and his Crimson Crusaders are. But he does do a fair bit of outraged preening, and Blue Lips counters with growling threats. Ridley, ever ready to do something completely bone-headed, lights the scroll/map on fire and orders a path to be cleared. Fire! Scary! Being flame retardant, the map barely burns, and Ridley makes about two steps before All Hell Breaks Loose^tm. The bad guys and the lesser bad guys have at it, the scroll gets kicked around, Marina and the scroll get captured by Blue Lips, and Ridley goes after in hot pursuit. Got all that? Elwood, supposedly watching the exits, is nowhere to be seen. 45:30

You'll put your eye out, kid

Back at the same wooded lot two scenes prior, Snails wants to sell the loot while Ridley is bound and determined to get himself a girlfriend. They're captured by — no, not Blue Lips, he's fighting the morning commute — shadowy figures with crossbows. Who turn out to be Norda and her crew. First of all, elves with CROSSBOWS? Is this the laziest bunch of elves in the world? And second... we finally see Norda's full ensemble. Putting Joel Schumacher to shame, Norda's breastplate is so generous and pointed with her breasts, that let's just say we're very surprised she's not constantly tipping forward in this scene. She's a material girl in a material world. Norda, playing a huge catch-up game to be the most unlikable person, snarls insults like "human!" and sneers all unfriendly-like. She wants to arrest Ridley and Marina, but Ridley explains the laughable plot up to that point. This gives Norda pause, because she really likes Star Trek and wants to be a Vulcan instead of an elf. So she whips out her pocket communicator and calls the Empress. You'd think I'm lying, but... no, sadly not. Pocket communicator and all. Her image appears in the Empress' magic^tm mirror, and the Empress asks for a situation report from the planet surface. Thora Birch in this scene looks about seven years old, and acts pretty much the same. You know what? I'm starting to think that Profion is actually in the right in trying to remove this clueless snot from power — she has no business being a hall monitor, nevermind an Empress of a largely CGI kingdom. She tells Norda to find Blue Lips before her bedtime, and also to bring her a warm glass of milk. 48:21

At an undisclosed castle, Blue Lips interrogates Marina for information. In a strange turn for the scene, instead of beating the crap out of the girl, Blue Lips goes for sympathy, telling her of the death sentence on his head if he doesn't get the rod. He scrunches up his face and just about cries, causing every male watching this movie to leave the room and disavow themselves of D&D forever. Turning scary, Blue Lips uses his head worms to suck information out of Marina's head. He instantly regrets this, as it means he becomes aware of more of the dumb story. Hey Mister Lips? Why didn't you skip the whole sob story and go straight to the ear worms instead? You lonely or something? 51:55

Our heroes are off on a midnight horsie ride. Elwood's not doing so good, as he remembers that the universal dwarf stereotype is that they can't ride horses. He cries too. Geez, when did we turn into the Lifetime channel? Norda finds a tracking clue in the near-total darkness. Snails leaps down to hit on her, which is... awkward. Snails, acting as a goofy spaz of a 21st-century black comedian, is in another universe when faced by Norda, whose icy-cold stares and typical elvish snobbery gets none of it. It's completely surreal to watch. 53:40

And speaking of eyes...

Another poor CGI scan of Blue Lips' castle takes us to The Daring Rescue! Brought to you by that guy in the movie theater who just wouldn't shut up — because only he is as annoying as Snails. Snails and Ridley, having magically^tm produced giant grappling hooks from their buttocks, charge up to the wall. The lazy elves and Norda provide moral support in the form of stony glares. Peeking over the wall, the thieves witness the entire Crimson Brigade (which keeps making unfortunate references to menstruation metaphors in my head) working out to the Imperial March. They sneak around them. In broad daylight. A Beholder — one of the only actual D&D monsters featured in the film — is sleeping on guard duty. It and the guards fall for the incredibly old "We throw the stone one way to make a noise and move in the other direction" trick. You know, for all of the love that this film's director claims to have for D&D, he doesn't seem to know a damn thing about the game. His biggest misconception is that horrible monsters like to serve mankind in any way possible, whether it be for guard duty or as weapons of mass destruction. The D&D-connection placements are so randomly fitted in within the movie, that it's as if someone decided to make a Lord of The Rings movie, except for placing it in modern-day New Jersey and not referencing any of the books except for one scene where a short guy holding a ring runs from left to right through a gas station bathroom. Ridley and Snails run into the Castle of Things Ridleyer Than They Are. 54:40

The worst thieves alive enter the castle's dungeon, having somehow exactly pinpointing where both Marina and the map are. They break up — Ridley, to his lover's bosom; and Snails, to a half-burned piece of paper. Snails keeps sniping away in typical crazy-ghetto speak ("We gotta work on some new plans!"), but happily my brain tunes him out every time he talks and replaces the noise with the sound of a singing nightengale. They warn each other to "be careful" before setting out, which is clear Movie Speak for "one of us is going to die very soon." Dear Lord, I don't ask you for much... well that's not true, I ask you for a lot, but can you please, please make Snails be the one who bites it? Amen. In a quick response to my prayer, Snails hits his head on a doorframe. Not enough for brain trauma, but it's a start. 55:37

"You've gone completely batty!"

Outside, Elwood fields the thought that maybe they should go in and help. You know, because they represent 50% of this team's actual fighting force and all. Norda, wise beyond her years, says, "We are not meant to enter this place." Elwood and the audience look at her and begin to realize how deep the dementia has progressed. "This task they must complete alone." Ah, yes. That explains it. So not only do the elves get to keep their aloof, immortal high-and-mightiness when it comes to understanding Life, The Universe and Everything, but they get to be couch potatoes while doing so! Oh Norda? You're full of crap. Elwood buys it, but still stares at her like her head is full of lice. 55:53

Good ol' Quaker Oats

Snails enters the same part of the dungeon from before, but the set designers have moved two things to make it look new. He shrieks like a little girl ('cause that's FUNNY, you twit) when he sees Blue Lips' armor on a rack. Jumpy, are we? He putzes around in the room, grabs a magic^tm bag, and examines Blue Lips' bong. Snails has a particularly hard time tying the magic^tm bag to his belt, and the filmmakers eventually just cut to a new angle to solve the problem. Snails spies the map on a table and cackles with idiot glee. One step forward, and he's being sucked into the rug, which is actually colored quicksand. I have no idea who spends all this time coloring quicksand to look like a rug for a trap, or why it's so close to Blue Lips' bed, or why anyone would've thought this was an effective anti-map stealing device. Any other competent thief would've seen the map and grabbed it from the north side of the room, instead of looping around from the south to awkwardly walk toward it from the bedside. Maybe Blue Lips was afraid of himself stealing it in his sleep? Snails looks like he's — and probably is — just wading in some oatmeal. Jabba the Hutt's cackling sidekick shows up for a cameo while Blue Lips yanks Snails free of the deadly oatmeal. Blue Lips, WHY? 57:55

Sparkling fresh for his date, Ridley finds Marina's cell and enters it decked out in Stormtrooper armor, even if he is a bit short for it. Marina lunges at him and the music swells and there's not a dry eye in the house. Ah, amour! Marina's looking worse for the wear, dressed in ratty tatters, but as soon as Ridley suggests they leave, she sheds the rags (they're blankets) and pops out as freshly dressed as she was in the morning. It's a small, but really ridiculous transition between despair and perfect happiness. Back to Snails, who's getting thrown across the room RIGHT on top of the map, which he snaps up. "Just like thieves... always taking what doesn't belong to you," snarls Blue Lips. People, get this man a college degree! Blue Lips doesn't seem that concerned that Snails has the map, but if I were him, I wouldn't be in a rush to retrieve it from this annoying brat covered in gooey oatmeal either. Snails tries to fight Blue Lips, but gets his sword taken away (what a hero for the ages). Blue Lips solidly pounds him a couple times, great therapy if you can get it. In desperation, Snails takes out the tiniest boot knife in Izmir and slices Blue Lips with it, then runs away. With the lip thing, the red veins and purple ears from the head worms, and now a new facial wound, poor guy isn't going to be winning any beauty pageants today. Ridley and his woman have their own battle — two Crimson Guards — which Ridley tackles one-on-two. That's wise, considering they have full armor and you're only wearing a light windbreaker, but not to worry. Marina rediscovers her ability to use magic^tm and unleashes a mighty... wait, no she doesn't. She's still acting like a pratting fool. She merely uses a torch to club a guy. Man, I miss magic^tm. 1:00:10

He's a mean pussycat KHANNNNNN!

Ridley opens a door to find a highly enthusiastic Evil Minion, who tackles Ridley and goes to town. Interesting! This guy is completely manic, reminding me of a fake wrestler who's buying a little too much into his own stock. He's really, really into growling. Marina keeps trying the torch-swatting thing, to no avail, so Ridley's forced to stab his foot with a letter opener. Outside, Snails runs while Blue Lips stalks him like some delicious oatmeal treat. Snails runs himself into a dead end, which is a real dead end except that (1) it has a huge open window that would be easy to jump through or climb down and (2) plenty of other side exits to backtrack and run down before Blue Lips shows up. Instead of considering these, the master thief falls to his knees and cries "Oh no!" He gets up and walks toward Blue Lips — past three, easy to jump out of windows, I might add — and pulls his tiny knife to attack. "You CANNOT be serious," Blue Lips says on behalf of everyone watching this. Blue Lips just WHALES on him. It's such a beautiful sight. Punching, slamming, arm breakage... Jar-Jar needed to be on the receiving end of some of this. I know that it's not right in the head to enjoy watching your heroes get mangled like this, or to be anything other than fearful when a hero is in dire peril, but Snails is one of the top ten most unlikable characters in movie history. I'm not exaggerating. Wayans brothers cannot act or direct, and here is Exhibit A for the jury to consider. Nobody in the audience is on Snails' side here, which robs the scene of all tension and replaces it with giddy praise. "Hey Blue Lips, why not pull his nose off!" they suggest. Ridley shows up right in time to see pulpy Snails and offer to exchange the dragon's eye for the annoying sidekick. Snails throws him the map instead and receives a neck stabbing for good measure. At this point, there's a serious party going on with all the viewers, some wearing togas or nothing at all, dancing to the sweet, sweet music of Snails' demise. Ridley goes into total "NOOOOOO!" anguish mode, showing Marina that she'll always be second fiddle in bed no matter what. Hey, good thing Elwood and Norda didn't help out! That worked out perfectly, now I think about it! Ridley charges Blue Lips, who's just getting warmed up in evil aerobics, and deflects his attacks, then stabs Ridley through his shoulder. Dude, this film just got about ten shades darker in the space of one scene... and I like it. Finally we're past Renaissance Fair scripting into something a bit more palpable. Marina, who once upon a time used to be able to wield magic^tm whenever she felt like it, stands by as a useless cow until seeing Snails' bag. She takes it and hurls a mighty ball of Magic^tm at Blue Lips to knock him back, then creates a portal to stumble through (this time closing it behind her) and escape with her Ridley. The camera cuts to a long, loving pan of the now rotting Snails. 1:05:36