Dungeons & Dragons

Look out, she's armed! Eyebrows of Power +2

Hooboy, after that scene, what could top the exciting rise in action? Why, it's a counsel scene — with laws, fillibusters, and passionate discussion of politics! Because that didn't tank The Phantom Menace or anything. A loud angry guy is speaking: "The counsel has voted, you must oblige us!" Hey, are they going to make the Empress belly dance for them? I could use that soothing comfort after the harsh agony of Snails' death. The Child Princess is now decked out in a poorly-aligned crown and huge fin-spikes coming out the back of her. I think it's a natural response to feeling threatened or aroused by the belly dancing command. She's defying the counsel, because she just can't "defy her own conscience." Bravo, young lass. Words cannot honestly describe how badly Thora Birch gives this speech, but the closest you can imagine it is if you were seeing a first time performer at a high school play give a recitation with absolutely no coaching beforehand. Wooden, dull, and highly laughable. Where's Blue Lips when we need another character murdered? Profion comes in, lisping madly at her. "War benefits noone, Profion, and I oppose it," she says. What a statesman with a second-grade understanding of politics! As these two clash with poorly-acted words, there's a lot of scripted mumbling going on in the background ("mamber jamber mamber jamber"). "Relinquish your sctheptor!" Profion commands, using his mad eyebrows to maximum effect. She descends into name-calling, labeling Profion an "unscrupulous charlatan." Ooh, good one. The Empres storms out and Profion rouses the mages to his battle cry. Now, there have been a lot of bad scenes in this movie so far, but this by far was the most uncomfortable to sit through — the acting is just that bad. 1:09:32

We cut back to the heroes (minus one screeching sidekick), who are being led back to the Elf city. Which is to say, a tree with Christmas lights on it. Marina is over-impressed at the sight: "Wow!" There, the head Vulcan uses his magic^tm to make a poor special effect that travels through Ridley's body. And... he's healed. Just like that! Magic^tm can do ANYthing! The head Vulcan talks about how humans use magic, but elves "are PART of it." Yeah, you're also part of douchebaggery, too. All creatures, he goes on, have the Force — I mean, magic — flowing through them, but the idiot humans only see the "destructive" side of it. Well, that's why you're living in a tree and we're in really cool towers with indoor plumbing, dork! "I had a dream," Ridley starts. The head Vulcan leans over, his eyebrows wisping from here to eternity, and says, "You saw a dragon being born!" Uhhhh... I think Ridley was dreaming about Marina decked out in a bikini, but okay. Dragon births work too. The head Vulcan starts pulling crap out of his rear, saying that dragons bring magic into the world and magic is cool and stuff and keeps everything in balance! He then shudders in orgasm (I'm not kidding... that's exactly what it looks like). The dude must really like talking about magic. He must not be invited to many dinner parties, though. Stacking another piece upon the already tenuous tottering tower of plot points, the head Vulcan goes on to say that if enough dragons are killed, then magic would be destroyed and the balance upset and Justin would go home crying to momma. Who cares; if it gets rid of the elves, I'll gladly take a hit in magic balance. 1:12:25

Snails died for us all!

After a short nap, Ridley goes out on the treefort patio and looks at the rest of the Ewok village. Marina comes out and the audience more than half-expects him to tell her that she's his sister and Blue Lips is their father. It's apparently the Snails Grieving Scene, however, and even though Ridley wasn't too upset the scene before, now he's all weepy and mad at Marina for being a mage. "Ridley, he died for a good cause," she says. Yes, to make this film less painful for the audience, thank you very much. Cue a lot of tears and histrionics, as both of them get overly worked up about Snails, mages, politics, and the most convoluted plot mankind has ever come up with. Then Marina comes out with this speech, which cannot be commented on, only experienced: "You are so naïve. She risks everything because she does not think the system is fair. Profion seeks to dethrone her because she believes mages and commoners should be treated as equals! She’s fighting to change what you hate so much! And that, Ridley, is what Snails died for." I thought he died because he attacked a guy in armor instead of jumping out of a window, but what do I know? Marina butters Ridley up with some ego-boosters, which sends this thought through Ridley's mind: "Yeah, I could be grieving Snails, but I also could be getting some, too. I'm going with a kiss now, thank you!" Cue awkward kissing scene. Dude, she's your SISTER! 1:16:04

Ahh. POTENTIAL. Hm. Green, the color of Not-So-Good

Because D&D is an equal opportunity plagiarist, we now have the elves giving gifts to Ridley. Namely, a big honking sword that Ridley should not be able to use, being a thief and all, but it'll look good over his mantle at home. The elves talk in gibbleygook that Ridley has "true potential", possibly to end this movie and let us all leave. The heroes embark on a journey of approximately three steps until they get to a "dungeon" that looks as if it's filmed at a local park. Ridley goes in the cave, but the other three are banned by a force field that wisely knows they've proved of no use so far, so why start now? Elwood, peeved that he's been given nothing to do for the past ten scenes, gets himself knocked down again by the force field for good measure. Ridley stalks through a green-lit, root-filled cavern that in no why infringes upon Dagobah copyrights. It is beautifully shot, to give the filmmaker this tiny bit of credit. Ridley falls through a hole (such a nimble thief) and discovers an intricate dragon door. Hey, out of curiosity, how'd they get these huge doors made down in this cave? Do dragons have subcontractors? Using the Eye of the Dragon, Ridley enters through the doors into a room filled with typical dragon treasure: gold helmets, fancy chairs, rich furs. You know, stuff dragons can't USE. He resists the urge to steal, and discovers the red rod in the hands of a mage skeleton. In a neat twist, the skelly comes alive to talk to him: "Why do you want the Rod of Seville?" Hey, good question! If they want to keep the red rod out of Profion's hand, why not bury the map, the eye and leave this dungeon well enough alone? Guess he just figures that a thief is safer than any bank vault. It turns out the skeleton is Seville, who's just hanging around long enough to pass it off to someone who's "worthy". Ridley is "worthy" my taut fanny. Seville warns that using the rod will unleash an evil curse, blah blah, yet refuses to tell Ridley how to break the curse: "That you must discover yourself." Hey, skelly, you MADE the wand, you can't be a little less cryptic here? Seville dies... some more, I guess. Paintings on the wall tell Ridley that dragons can be destructive. That's important to know for later, class. 1:23:22

Ed has a bad day

Back in town, the computer effects team suddenly receives a surplus budget and goes to work with the Big Battle. The Empress, now decked out in gold chainmail that makes her look very questionable, uses her rod to send gold dragons to attack Profion and his mage possy. Profion puts all of his chicks in one basket, holing up at the top of a tall tower (taller than all of the tall towers before), and using the mages to send fireballs (?) to attack dragons (!). They miss. Profion throws up an ice shield. Although the bad guys are badly outclassed, they use a couple crossbows and suddenly have a fighting chance. One dragon dies, the skies start to boil with the disruption of precious MAGIC, and the Empress whines, "What have I done?" I'll tell you what: you've hired a really lousy talent agent. 1:24:53

By the power of Greyskull!

Ridley exits the cave, and upon seeing that his companions are mysteriously absent, runs and shouts all willy-nilly, "I've found the rod!" Quick question: who out there doesn't think he's going to turn a corner around a bush and discover Blue Lips holding everyone hostage? Yeah, that's what I thought. I like seeing that while it only takes two Crimson Guard to hold Norda, Elwood's struggling with FIVE guys on him. Go, 'Woody! Blue Lips gives Marina the equivalent of a shaving nick, which strikes Ridley with fear. Blue Lips, who perhaps should see a dermatologist at this point, gets the rod in exchange for... nothing! Absolutely nothing! Stupid! You're so stupid! "You said you'd let them go!" Ridley whines. Ten points to anyone for Blue Lips' response: "I lied." He orders them dead, but Norda quickly stabs her two guards, Elwood throws off his five, and much mayhem ensues. Hey Norda, why didn't you break out the moves when you were first captured? You guys just waiting for a dramatic moment? Ripley slashes with his magic^tm sword, which sounds not unlike a lightsaber. Elwood uses his huge axe as more of mace, to bash, than for its proper function. Just as well, the blade looks pretty blunt. Meanwhile, Blue Lips calmly creates a portal (he can do that now?) and steps through it — Ridley follows right before it closes. Neat portal effects, by the way. 1:27:30

"Now *I* am the master!" I think he pees himself a bit here

Blue Lips appears at Profion's tower (Ridley's nowhere to be seen) and exchanges the rod for a little head worm extermination. The two go up to the roof, now being chased by a newly appeared Ridley. Cut to the "What have I done?" Empress who's now RIDING a gold dragon for good measure. I guess she got over her worry of using dragons quickly, hm? The gold dragons keep firing on the tower, windows keep exploding, but none of it ends up looking worse for the wear. Profion then uses his nifty new wand to summon the red dragons, which makes him all kinds of happy and gives him plenty of excuses to ham it up. "COME TO MEEEEEEE!" Ridley and Blue Lips face off, Ridley with his blue lightsaber and Blue Lips with his red one. Gotta love glowy effects. The CGI team goes into overload for the dragon battle, which half-looks neat and half-looks completely fake. Ridley and Blue Lips hack it out for a while, which is not a half-bad sword fight, as long as you overlook the Star Wars rip-off. Blue Lips has a great fighting intensity in this film, which is sadly not matched by acting ability. Using some fancy thief moves, Ridley stabs him in the back, then pushes him over the ledge and down 246 stories to his doom. Go Ridley. Profion's having the time of his life: "You can run, your ladyship, but you can never run far enough!" Guess he was on track in high school. "LET THE BLOOD DRAIN FROM THE SKYYYYYY!" he cries, waving his hands and getting really, really into it. This is about the most hilarious bit of acting I've ever seen, and I've seen all of Sinbad's material. I had to go back and watch that line three times. Ridley charges into him and knocks him down, but then considerately backs off to let Profion get up and ready his magic^tm. Profion threatens him with "new kinds of pain." Like having to watch this movie. Profion uses his staff to knock Ridley's sword away, then throws out a pop culture pun: "Not so talented, eh, Mr. Ridley?" Profion gets ready to kill him — hey, what about the new kinds of pain? I wanna see those! Suddenly, for no logical reason, Marina, Elwood and Norda appear to get the snot magicked^tm out of them by Profion. Ridley grabs the red rod and starts to control the dragons, but then realizes that the magic and the balance and the logic of the plot are being thrown out of whack. He destroys the rod (no! my rod!), the Empress shows up to get all pouty-like and says, "The battle is over!" Never missing an opportunity to use echo effects in his speech, Profion retorts, "The battle may be, but not... THE WARRRRRRRRR!" A bad CGI creature attacks the Empress, and noone helps (all of the good guys are still in "crouching down" mode, which is seen in lots of movies where they're apparently too winded to resume the fight, but obviously they'll be able to get back up when the script calls for it). She uses her rod (yes! her rod!) to call a gold dragon to swallow Profion. Goodie. The Empress then thanks... Elwood? For what, exactly? His fashionable beard? And just like that, good has prevailed. 1:37:20

Snails lives!

We get a horrible voice-over by the Empress declaring all people "equal." Also, "sexy as a fox." The begin a celebration that we're not invited to; no, we have to go with Ridley and Co. to a graveyard and talk to Snails' grave. "You hear that buddy?" Ridley asks. "That's for you." Yeah, because I'm sure everyone has a clue who Snails even is. Ridley talks more about how Snails made a difference. Again, HOW? He DIED. For NOTHING. For, as far as I can tell, being a BAD THIEF. Marina looks kind of happy during all of this... she knows with Snails gone, she has no lip-locking competition. Ridley puts the Eye of the Dragon on Snails' grave and then starts to head off to his "knighting ceremony." But what's this? Magic^tm causes the wind to whip up, and Snails' name to melt off his stone marker and into the now-glowing Eye. "Do not question your gift," Norda says. "Your friend awaits you." WHAT THE HECK? Snails is coming back to life? Shoot us all, right now. And yes, it gets better. They put their hands on the stone, all four of them, and they all turn into little red comets that streak away. Then, without explanation what THAT means, the film ends. Uplifting, yes. Nauseating, yes. Senseless, yes. Thank you and good night! 1:41:03