The Goonies

On her way cross-country, fleeing from the police and bounty hunters everywhere, Sue made a brief pit stop at Justin's safe house. The following transcript is possibly code about an upcoming bank robbery, but most likely it's just two very tired and somewhat cranky writers plowing through a seminal 80's classic: The Goonies!

Sue: Disclaimer: As Justin and Spawn of Mutant 2 search for our project of the evening, I just want to point out that I’ve driven over 450 miles today, including Chicago, and my brain is pretty much shot. Ah, they’ve picked The Goonies. Justin is astounded that I’ve never seen this before (to the best of my recollection). I have a bad feeling that I’m going to have to sleep in the car tonight, so great is my sin.

Ah, I’ve missed the very beginning with my whining. It appears to be… a jailbreak. With pyrotechnics. And Sean Astin. Hmm… and Josh Brolin.

Justin: I could NOT believe Sue hasn’t seen — or doesn’t remember seeing — Goonies. It saddens my heart. Too many days of her youth wasted on horse poems, methinks. Anyhow, welcome to another fast-paced mutant viewing!

Goonies has one of the best movie openings EVER. This was THE movie for kids: exciting, energetic, imaginative. And us adults like it too. The movie begins with a jailbreak, launching into the film’s high-pumped score, as a car chase around town innovatively introduces us to all the main characters, kids and adults alike. Ahh. I’ve missed Corey Feldman.

Sue: This is DEFINITELY an eighties film in the finest tradition. I’ve already noticed an arcade game with a whopping big joystick, and a microwave you could park a Buick in. So obviously this is a movie about kids with issues. And headbands. I have to admit there are some of the coolest inventions I’ve ever seen here since my sister destroyed my Mousetrap game back in the late seventies. It’s almost a live action roadrunner flick with some weird little kid as Wile E. Coyote.

Ah, and I can see that I’ll be paying expensive therapy fees for years to come after the breaking of a certain statue. Thanks J.!

Justin: Goonies is a movie just steeped in its own unique lore. These first few minutes host some of my favorite Goon-moments: the Truffle Shuffle, the overly complex Mousetrap setup to open the front gate, Data’s swooping entry to the 007 theme, and Mouth’s Spanish translation for the Mexican lady ("Two weeks without food and water!"). Moment after moment, this is a movie that encourages us to just fall in love with these kids being kids in their weird, fun world. Not to say any of this would actually happen. Well. Of COURSE it could. That’s why we like it so much!

A young, asthma-huffing Sean Astin is present, but overshadowed by Mouth, Chunk, Data and (upcoming) the cute, cute girls.

Sue: So this really just seemed like your typical dysfunctional family/friends movie – as understood back in the day. But now our intrepid little potty-mouthed crew are up in an attic going through old pictures, pirate-y memorabilia and we are currently hearing the tale of the dread pirate… I’m not kidding here… One Eyed Willie. I believe there’s a map too. (And I just noticed that Chunk is wearing an absolutely stunning ensemble of Hawaiian print and plaid.) The question now is whether the Goonies are now going to follow this obscure treasure map and find the lair of Willie, or just stay home and lose the house to the nice foreclosure representatives.

Justin: Who wouldn’t want an attic like this? Where it’d be entirely plausible to stumble onto a treasure map and a clue that no one ever noticed before? I would!

Here we two typical kid movie conventions in play: kids having to foil some major adult scheme (the developers and the criminals), and kids being fifteen times smarter and more tenacious than any grownups around them – God bless them!

I noticed for the first time that Chunk walks THROUGH the door Data broke when he re-enters the house. Cool.

I love how this movie keeps shocking laughter and pixie-like smiles from us. There really was never a group of movie kids like the Goonies, and it’s terrific how rambunctious and jokey they are. Reminds me of my friends in my youth – and I bet they do of yours, too.

Sue: Wow! I used to have a bike like that! Granted mine was blue, not pink, but it had the same little white basket on the front with the really tacky plastic flower motif! Ah, those were good days. I also love the old styled Pepsi cans. Product placement!

Why is it, by the way, that there’s always a cowardly babbler amongst the intrepid explorers?

Oooooh! A switchblade packing old broad who serves water the approximate color of iced tea. But it ain’t tea! Funnily enough I don’t remember anyone wearing berets –and- pearls in the same outfit. Clearly she seems to be a villainess of some sort. Or is meant to seem that way. Forget the kids, I’M going to have nightmares tonight.

Justin: "This is water?" "It’s wet, ain’t it?"

I swear, they spend half this movie shouting, screaming and talking at the top of their lungs. It’s a loud film that doesn’t know the meaning of the term "indoor voices".

"Kids suck." Heh. Geez this is quotable.

Hey readers, keep an eye on Sue’s parts. She’s really tired and punch drunk. It makes for fun reading. Soon she’ll be spitting out those fourteen-syllable words like there’s no tomorrow.

It’s the girls! The Goonies are complete, now!

Sue: Hey, I can be as monosyllabic as the next denizen! I’m just going to take a moment here to point out that Josh Brolin in this movie looks eerily like Josh Hartnett. Josh and Josh. Weird.

Another side note: Considering that I think the town is supposed to be demolished to make way for a golf course, the terrain really doesn’t seem well suited to that purpose. But I’m a mini golf type myself, so what do I know? Ah, the nasssty hobbitses have discovered their own personal Gollum.

Oh look, it's the old fake fireplace trick with removable coals over a secret grate! Which leads to a cache of ice cream. And a dead body. The department of health would have a hissy fit.

Justin: Holy crap I forgot how much I loved this movie! Chunk just outright steals every scene – "I can’t stands it no more!" I really want to adopt each and every one of these children. Of course, they’d be searching for treasure in my closet every weekend and possibly destroying the floorboards, but oh well.

Goonies has just the right amount of comedy to adventure to actual threat. The bad guys aren’t just sort of bad, they’ve actually killed a guy and threatened violence to the young ‘uns. That makes the Goonies’ victory that much more the sweeter.

Sue’s daughter asked if the monster in the basement room is going to be scary. Little does she know!

Once they enter the secret passage, the movie moves into high gear. It’s a lot like the best of all amusement park rides crammed together, which is another reason why kids went bonkers for this film. Secret doors, slides, traps, pirates, treasure… the only real question to ask is why hasn’t someone thought to combine all these elements into a fun flick before now?

Sue: I must be falling asleep. The sight of Chunk screaming made me think of the word, "Hamtaro". I don’t even know why.

Exploding toilet. Hmm… there was a guy sitting on it. I wonder why he was still wearing his underwear? Not that I was looking.

The scene of Chunk’s confession, going all the way back to the third grade reminds me of a run in I had with my son not long ago. I knew he’d inadvertently loosed my hounds while I wasn’t home, but he kept quiet about it. When I finally asked him if there was "something he wanted to tell me" I got a huge rambling monologue of wrongdoings, misdemeanors and various naughtiness… none of which had anything to do with the hounds. I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or write down the list for future reference.

Ah, there’s the skeleton Justin warned Spawn of Mutant 2 about. Bugs crawling on it, but she didn’t flinch. She must be really tired too.

Justin: "I’m going to set booty traps" "Booby traps" "That’s what I said! Booty traps!" Man, you just couldn’t get away with this sort of un-PC accent mocking today.

Josh Brolin really got the short end of the stick in the fashion department, with the headband and the shorts-over-sweats. Poor kid.

God puts rocks in places for purposes. Remember that. And FEAR the FAKE BATS! Whee! I’m really tired! But watching this is such a great end to the day. Chunk’s confession is something that they should make grade-schoolers memorize to pass the third grade as mandatory.

Sue: Wow, those bats were horrifyingly… phony. But all is good, because they found all sorts of coins with dead presidents on them, even if they identified Kennedy as Martin Sheen. Yes the treasure is… at the bottom of a wishing well. Or is it?

Justin: The wishing well scene is a downright classic, and proof that Corey Feldman was actually a pretty good kid actor for his age. And the actress that plays the glasses-wearing girl looks a LOT like a younger Anthony Michael Hall. With bigger lips. And earrings.

GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE!

The movie never really goes into a detailed explanation as to what a Goonie is or how they got that name… but they don’t really need to. THAT’S good storytelling, when you throw in details like that that seem to explain themselves.

Sue’s daughter was lying comatose for the beginning of this movie until they started going through the secret passages… now she’s sitting up and even laughing at Sloth. Goonies work miracles in today’s youth.

Sue: Interestingly enough, Sean Astin seems to get all the motivational speeches in this. Nary a "Mr. Frodo" to be heard.

My first impression of Sloth was that he was a dead ringer for the Disney version of Quasimodo, if somewhat less articulate. It’s nice that Sloth and Chunk bond so well, by laughing and screaming together in their shared bondage. In the meantime, led by Astin and his intrepid inhaler, the rest of the Goonies have decided that the wishing well was NOT the treasure they were looking for, so they’re digging deeper. Y’know the kids really do interact very naturally. I’m sure I’ve heard the same confused bickering in just about every elementary school classroom I’ve ever visited. The language might have been somewhat less salty though.

Justin: It never ceases to amaze me how much free time pirates and ancient civilizations in Indiana Jones films have to set up these enormously complex lairs complete with hundreds of booty-traps and clockwork gears and everything else that wouldn’t benefit them, but just give a future generation of explorers something fun to do on a rainy weekend. Because that’s what this is – a Goonie rainy weekend.

Notice how none of the parents are out really searching for their kids yet. Even though it’s night and none of them have come home. That’s good parenting!

And you just know it’s a classic movie when there’s an entire scene – an ENTIRE SCENE – dedicated to the Goonies going to the bathroom and their various adventures peeing and kissing in these dark caves.

Sue: A cave shaped EXACTLY like a skull. I wonder what that might portend? So much of this is clichéd, but it actually works in the context – sort of like a funhouse at an amusement park.

80’s word alert – "Gnarly!" I also love a pirate map puzzle that warns you against making "too many" mistakes, or you’ll be dead. Define "too many". One? Three? A couple dozen? Luckily they have the super power absolutely necessary to succeed – a chick who took piano lessons.

Justin: This is the day, the one day that your mom said those piano lessons would save your life. Unfortunately, for the purpose of dramatic pauses, Andie plays the notes at the rate of one per five minutes. She’s a bit remedial.

Also, Mr. Willie? What pirate in your employ that the skills and know-how to make a fully-functional BONE organ that would play after a century of disuse? Because you might’ve wanted to promote that guy or give him an extra swig of rum.

Arrrrr. Me love them piratey themes.

Then there’s the momentous discovery of the pirate ship (still floating, still in pristine condition). It’s name is "Inferno", by the way. I bet you didn’t know that. You’re not half the Goonie I am. Reportedly, Chris Columbus kept the kids from seeing the ship until the day they shot that scene, preserving the surprise and filming their real reactions.

Sue: There’s definitely a theme-park feel to this movie. We just went from funhouse to indoor water-park. I could swear I’ve seen this set in the Wisconsin Dells.

Wow, we’ve just discovered that the kid who plays Data in this was also Short-Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Currently he works as a stunt man and fight choreographer. There’s your fun fact for the day!

While I’ve been rambling, we’ve finally gotten to good ol’ Willie. Remember him? He’s just a skeleton now, an inhaler inducing skeleton to young Mr. Astin. Pause for dramatic effect as the Goonies gaze over the mother lode from Pirates Arrr Us. Yes, I’m really that tired. I slay me.

Justin: The Goonies leave some cash for Willie – Pirates love splurging at the mall – and the girls take time to appreciate how they look loaded down with priceless props. Mouth meanwhile eats a crapload of jewels. Good for him. High in minerals.

The criminals are so flamboyant… I think this treasure hunt is as much a blast for them as it is for the kids. After all, how many sabers have you waved lately? Or bound girls made to walk the plank.

Chunk makes his entrance. A for effort, C- for delivery. He’s not a graceful chunk, that’s for sure.

Sue: Of course Sloth isn’t any old Sloth. He’s got a Superman t-shirt on! He’s taken out all the bad guys and threw his own mama (she of the pearls, beret and bulldog profile) off the plank. Serve her right, but I hope the offspring aren’t getting any ideas from this.

The bad guys are now in control of the treasure trove, but unlike our noble Goonies, they aren’t inclined to leave anything for Willie. Therefore they’re the unlucky recipients of a booby trap. That’s good. The Goonies are caught in it too. That’s bad.

Justin: I really hope they make a prequel to this movie some day and explain exactly, what the heck One-Eyed Willie was thinking with all these set-ups. But Goonies don’t need to make sense – they just need to create fabulous traps and stab their friends in the eyes with daggers. Maybe that was just Willie’s approach.

Data’s dad is a crappy inventor, too. Why would you want a camera springing up out of your crotch? That might backfire on you, you know, like during a very delicate dinner party.

Sue and I have made the point that Josh Brolin here looks like Josh Hartnett. Just much more intelligent. And less tree sloth-ish.

The happy-go-lucky ending is upon us! The kids are rescued! The bad guys captured! The pirate ship set sail once again! The community saved by… what… a handful of colored jewels? Why not! You got to tie these things up all neat and tidy-like!

Sue: Ah yes, even the foreclosure men are sad and without a golf course. Excellent! Chunk is adopting Sloth and already has him wrapped up in a nice plaid blanket. And Willie’s pirate ship is inexplicably sailing into the sunset. Or sunrise. With the treasure on board, but no one seems inclined to go get it because they’re rolling the credits.

Wow, I’ve participated in my very first mutant viewing! And I lived to tell the tale!