Justice League of America: Save the World

Episode 1: Initiation

You know, I'm not very familiar with the older JLA cartoons, but I'm way into the new theme song. It's got the massive, iconic trumpet and violin score that just says, "We're incredibly serious! Do whatever we say!" and then the segue into the wailing guitars that says, "And we would have been incredibly cool if this were the eighties!" Heck, I think the eighties was the last time I saw any part of a JLA cartoon, and that mostly involved Wonder Woman deflecting bullets from her bracelets. Those silly crooks, always trying to show off their marksmanship by shooting out peoples' wrist arteries.

0:0:0: Whatever, it's the very first few seconds of the DVD:

Here we are, watching some of those generic ski-masked crooks robbing what appears to be a supermarket. It's got way too many tall aisles to be a convenience store, plus there's the produce/dairy/vague square cartoon background displays there. We have to assume that they just decided for some reason to rob a local Safeway with automatic weapons, only to be foiled by one of D.C.'s more flamboyantly silly second-stringers: Green Arrow.

0:1:35: Green Arrow demonstrates his ability to avoid bullets by doing slow dive-rolls. This may be his only real super power.

0:1:55: GA stops to help up an attractive woman in a tight skirt. She must've twisted an ankle in those high-heeled boots she's wearing to buy groceries in. GA almost gets blown away by one of the crooks who isn't quite as subdued as he assumed, only to be rescued by Green Lantern, this apparently being the point where the writers decided they needed more green-themed characters on screen at once. (In keeping with the ongoing transformational nature of comics, Green Lantern is now a sturdily built black man instead of a scrawny white guy. Man, it's been a long time since I actually read a D.C. comic without the words Batman or Dark Knight in the title. At least he has a better voice than Green Arrow.) To my disappointment, this is a D.C. cartoon and there is no chance of She-Hulk showing up.

0:2:15: Green Lantern speaks into his earpiece, and they get beamed up to the JLA's space station while Ollie is in mid-carp about what show-offs the Justice Leaguers are. You know, I've seen Green Arrow in comic books and I always pictured him having a deep voice, or at least sounding like Errol Flynn as Robin Hood. Ignoring the preconception they've created, the makers of the cartoon elected to hire a voice actor who sounds like a sixteen-year-old.

0:2:30: GA is welcomed by Superman, Batman and Wonder-Woman, with backup dancers Jonn and the Flash looking on with folded arms. The opening strains of the horn-heavy theme song play as GA belatedly demands to know where he is. "Among friends!" says Superman in a youthful tenor voice totally unlike any other one I've heard in a Superman cartoon. Seriously, guys, bring back the sixties Father Beaver voice. Green Arrow turns with shock and horror to see that the entire big room behind him is full of poorly-animated superheroes, including a giant robot with a girl riding on his shoulder who must have wandered over from the manga next door. (I really think the only reason giants ever make it into ensemble casts is to make better background shots.)

0:2:50: The theme song plays, showing enough heroes to indicate the JLA is now big enough that they can focus on any random character if the Big Five get boring. I'm betting Superman, Batman and/or Wonder Woman will still be in every episode.

0:3:50: Superman is gives a little speech about how everyone present has something to contribute — "Strength, speed, stealth, whatever." This marks the first and hopefully last time I ever hear the word "whatever" pass the Man of Steel's lips. The camera pans past a Rogue's Gallery of vividly colored spandex-clad supers.

0:4:32: "We can't be cowboys any more - or cowgirls!" The JLA laughs obediently; the camera shows us that women are laughing also. Sexist jokes are a lot funnier when made by someone who could crush your skull like a grape, ladies!

0:4:47: Batman and GA have a discussion at the back of the crowd, talking right through Supe's speech. Apparently they've forgotten he can hear basically everything everywhere and could easily take umbrage at their rudeness. GA complains about how he didn't join the JLA because they forget about "the Little Guy," in case we forgot his whole "comically activist Liberal" shtick. Batman makes the salient point that preventing giant robots from stomping the Little Guy flat is probably at least as helpful as taking down the kind of morons who rob supermarkets with AK-47s.

0:5:26: Jonn and Green Lantern confer regarding a nuclear radiation source on their sensors that is moving in a straight line. Jonn suggests GL take along Captain Atom, who might be able to "absorb some of the radiation," although if their globe model were to scale the nuclear thingie would be hundreds of miles across. GL says he needs some muscle, apparently not having looked in the mirror recently, and Jonn tells him to take Super Girl along — "She'll have to start sometime." I'm guessing Little Miss Perky won't stop harrassing him, since he's almost the only other extraterrestrial with whom she doesn't share DNA. Chicks dig the bald gray guy.

0:5:53: An exciting "walking down the hallway" moment, wherein GL asks if the other two have ever been to Chong Mai. Captain Atom observes that it's a Class III felony for Americans to go there, though he doesn't specify exactly how that works given that it's a foreign country. Supergirl demonstrates her command of world events by inquiring whether it's near Daytona beach. GL rolls his green eyes and sighs exaggeratedly, realizing too late why Jonn is so eager to get rid of the belly-baring blond brat.

0:6:10: Green Arrow catches up to the others and complains about being left at the base when he doesn't want to join up. He seems to have a McCoyesque dislike of the transporter, so Green Lantern offers to drop him off in their Javelin plane/spaceship/motorized vehicular object after they chase down the nuclear thingie.

0:6:50: Humorous exchange in the partly-computer-animated Javelin. Supergirl wants to drive, but Captain Atom is concerned about whether she's "certified in a Javelin." She suggests he "take the stick out" and is rewarded with a leering wink from Green Arrow, who apparently is not aware that statutory rape laws apply to super heroes. (Or of what will happen to him when the obviously conservative Superman finds out his cousin is dating a goateed Berkeley graduate who is twice her age.)

0:7:16: Green Arrow inquires after Captain Atom's containment suit, then gripes (I hope Ollie/Green Arrow doesn't play a huge part in the next couple of episodes, because I'm going to run out of synonyms for "complain." My guess is that Batman wanted him to join so his constant whining would get Superman off the Dark Knight's back.) about being in the same plane as "what I marched against in college," the existence of sentient beings made of nuclear energy apparently being a major protest point back in the 60's. Captain Atom, no doubt a secret Green Party contributor, looks hurt.

08:01: Heh. "Roger that." Yet I'm still sympathizing more with Captain Atom than Super Twit. The writers feel it's important to waste several seconds of screen time showing us Green Arrow lounging in the door to the plane, drinking something transparent from a bottle with no label. He must've found Green Lantern's Absolut stash in the back of the Javelin.

08:19: Green Lantern deflects rocket-propelled grenades and bullets using a shiny green shield from his ring. Apparently they treat Class III felonies differently in Chong Mai. After some bitching from his teammates, he uses the shield to knock the green-uniformed fellows over and a green telekinesis-type beam to retrieve their weapons. A guitar player has a seizure on the soundtrack.

09:18: What appear to be poorly drawn North Koreans show up, complete with green jodhpurs, to stop the firefight. General Kwan informs the JLAers the accident is under control and not to let the door hit them on the way out. Ollie and Captain Atom exchange a longing glance behind Green Lantern's back, anxious for the moment when they'll be alone with Supergirl. Ollie surprisingly refrains from congratulating the apparent Communists on how well they're sticking up for the Little Guy.

09:36: "I tell you, it took all my restraint not to part his hair with my ring," says Green Lantern to Jonn over the communicator.

"You did the right thing, but the problem is not under control; it's getting worse," says Jonn. The viewer agrees, only to have it disappointingly revealed that they're talking about General Kwan, not Green Arrow and Supergirl. It then turns out that Green Arrow, pouty over Jonn's insistence that they comply with the government's wishes, has bogarted their Geiger counter and taken off on his own.

10:55: Green Arrow's stolen Geiger counter reads off the scale when pointed at a government convoy he's watching from the bushes. He appears unconcerned by the fact that he is now sterile and has mere hours to live; perhaps his costume is secretly lined with lead.

11:00: The last driver in the convoy loses control of his truck for no apparent reason and drives it through the guardrail of a bridge, leaving it with its nose sticking out into the air. Ollie does a snowboard-type slide down a cliff face to more guitar seizures and stops the multiton truck's fall with wooden rope arrows. They hold long enough for him to rescue the driver. I reevaluate my stance on Green Arrow's lack of super powers.

12:07: General Kwan's definition of "completely under control" seemingly encompasses giant flaming skull-creatures with arm cannons. This is stretching it even for a Communist. The ominous soundtrack disagrees with him.

12:27: The flaming giant thing shoots through the bridge with his laser, thoughtfully starting about 200 yards away and sweeping it sideways so Ollie has plenty of time to rescue General Kwan before the bridge is cut in half. Ollie uses another rope arrow to go charging straight up the cliff he just came down. At least, I think that's what happens. The filmmakers have decided it is now night, so it's hard to see anything on the screen.

12:56: The love child of Ghost Rider and a Metroid shoots and stomps some tanks. We're shown the drivers bailing so we'll know there's no body count or anything. That's the trouble with kids' cartoons these days. We're teaching our young that even massive arm-cannoned monsters can't successfully kill anybody, and ordinary humans with guns represent a minimal, even comical threat.

13:25: Green Lantern saves Green Arrow's butt again, preventing him from being fried by the robot. Honestly, I can't imagine why the Lantern isn't plotting to kill him already.

13:35: "Looks like I just can't help horning in," sighs Green Lantern as he lofts Green Arrow in his manly arms. Maybe this is why he hasn't killed him yet.

"There's some people at the cliff!" Ollie says, eager to change the subject.

14:17: Green Lantern saves some North Korean peasants who were milling around in the dark, along with two oxen. Beats me what they were all doing out in what appears to be wooded wilderness area at night. Kind of pointless saving them from the robot when they're all going to die from radiation poisoning in the next few weeks anyway.

14:34: Captain Atom's attempt to "bleed off" the creature's nuclear energy results in him crashing to Earth, somehow making a perfectly round crater. Supergirl hurries over to fondle his manly chest.

15:01: Supergirl, despite supposedly having the same powers as the Big S, is sweaty in three seconds of pounding on the Creature. Then it bats her into a cliff, where she staggers up in a dazed manner. This is lousy even for Superman's teenage cousin.

15:20: The robot blows most of Green Lantern's clothes off. Woo hoo. What's the target audience of this cartoon, again? Less fortunate than Captain Atom, he gets his chest fondled by Green Arrow instead. As Supergirl flies over to join the party, the robot just wanders off, apparently bored.

15:58: Argument over whose fault it is that Green Lantern is lying around topless on a gurney. "If you two are too busy playing alpha male smackdown..." Guess they can't say "pissing contest" on a children's cartoon. Have fun explaining to the kiddies what an "alpha male" is, parents. Try to work in the phrase "breeding rights."

16:30: It's okay for Supergirl to be blatantly thrusting her pelvis, complete with visible crotch triangle under her skirt and tightly outlined breasts, but Captain Atom has a Ken Doll groin?? Man, it must really suck to be made out of nuclear energy. Also, children's show animators are cradle-robbing perverts, but I guess we've known that since the original He-Man: Masters of the Universe.

16:40: Supergirl confirms my opinion of her intelligence by demonstrating she can't correctly count to five.

17:10: Oh, I see. They're going to stop a fifty-foot walking nuclear pile so powerful the radiation is visible from space by sticking five or six carbon rods into its reactor. It's probably going to work, too.

17:30: Guys who are made of nuclear energy can be endangered by the heat from a nuclear reactor. Huh.

17:58: The robot tries to fry Supergirl, probably in order to stop her from uttering any more terrible lines. Sadly, he does not succeed.

18:43: Ooh, that's gotta hurt, Atom! At least he'll die with the satisfaction that the fallout will kill every normal human within miles. Green Arrow and Supergirl look stunned as they realize the depth of the atrocity. You'd think they'd have sent the one who is invulnerable to harm first instead, but this crew aren't about to win the Brightest Crayon award without Green Lantern there.

19:05: Ollie's dive roll saves him again, this time from laser cannon fire. Misses twice in a row with the carbon rods. Fans of the original Green Arrow have heart attacks.

19:49: It's amazing how easily giant robots can be foiled by the simple expedient of hiding behind a tree.

20:30: Also, a falling, burning hat is incontrovertible proof that you've killed the owner of said hat.

20:43: "Say 'Ah,' Dirtbag."

I am dazzled by the brilliance of the dialogue. Apparently just part of one carbon rod succeeds where an entire bundle of them was supposedly required before. Ollie's hair looks artfully tousled as it blows in the breeze.

21:05: Supergirl comes back to punch the head off the robot, after it's been deactivated by the guy whose powers consist of a large budget and moderate archery skills. She is the lamest, worst superhero I've ever seen. The guys who made this are apparently such horny morons that they're not only incapable of envisioning a woman wearing the same kind of clothing as her male counterparts, they can't imagine her being remotely competent at her job given the biggest, baddest set of super powers in the history of comics. Where's Wonder Woman when you need her?

21:44: Back at JLA headquarters, guys in blue Hazmat gear are pumping Atom's energy contents back into his costume. A couple of muscular, outlandishly clad unknowns look on impassively from the background, possibly on their way to the JLA's gay discotheque. Green Lantern appears to have stolen the mechanical wheelchair from Charles Xavier over in the Marvel universe. He's also sporting a couple of small Band-Aids on his face, as if he just cut himself shaving.

21:53: No, you idiot, he's not going to give you the "you did good" speech because you did awful. I'm amazed that the worst Green Lantern threatens her with is getting thrown out of the league. Twit.

22:30: Batman catches Green Arrow on his way out of the shower, clad only in a towel. Ollie, too, has forehead Band-Aids, but apparently they're less serious than Green Lantern's.

22:57: Sexy music interrupts the conversation. Ollie turns to see another blond in a dark, cleavage-revealing outfit seductively pulling on a large-cuffed boot. This one appears to be in the "barely legal" rather than "jailbait" category. Green Lantern implies he's now interested in joining the League. Batman stalks off, no doubt rolling his eyes under his mask. He has no idea.