Justice League of America: Save the World

Episode 2: Hawk and Dove

00:19: The episode opens with a gap-toothed blacksmith hitting an anvil in front of a big fire. I check to see that I've still got the JLA dvd in my computer and not a cartoon version of Das Ringen der Nibelungen. Yep.

00:45: Pretty boy in massive supervillain-style armor comes along and complains that the smith, referred to as Hephaestus, isn't finishing his suit fast enough. Hephaestus implies that the customer is a pansy. I agree.

01:20: The Annihilator, hm? Looks like another giant robot episode.

01:38: Wait, the pretty guy is supposed to be Ares? Ha ha. Looks like he can't quite fight off his own robot. Some deity.

1:56: "Wrap it up. I'll take it." It's a robot, you fool, not takeout Chinese food. And what's Hephaestus going to wrap it in? Bubble wrap? Is Ares planning to haul it off over his shoulder?

2:05: Intro again. I note with amusement what a prominent place the gleam on Wonder Woman's metal bustier is given.

3:08: The robot stalks through rubble toward some guys who are firing automatic weapons at it, throwing grenades, etc. Is this Afghanistan?

3:28: One wheel from the derelict car they were hiding behind rolls off to the side. "Impressive," says the warlord, viewing the deaths of presumably several of his own personnel. Ruthless. His accent sounds vaguely Eastern European; Ares sounds like he's voiced by Patrick Stewart on a very bad day.

4:01: Mr. Sera. Clever alias.

4:33: Elsewhere in the world, two bank robbers make a tire-squealing escape. Apparently they were too cheap to hire a getaway driver. Instead, they left their car unlocked and running on the street right outside the bank. So already we know they're not exactly geniuses.

04:55: The driver sees a belly-shirted woman in the street (See previous remarks in re:writers/artists=perverts) and speeds up to hit her, just in case we didn't get that these are bad guys. Instead she punches the hood of the car, more or less stopping it, and growls about losing her day off. Isn't that always the way.

05:03: From the wristband bullet deflection trick, I deduce this is supposed to be Wonder Woman. "Oh, yeah, like that's going to work," she says, sneering at the threat of mere bullets. Apparently she's stronger than I remember. The soundtrack bass line indicates she is Bad with a capital B.

05:35: And now she's flying? Whuh? Did she beat up Supergirl and take her powers? That would be awesome, but it seems unlikely given D.C.'s refusal to ditch the little blond tart.

05:50: Wonder Woman gets her new mission, which seems to involve conflicting paramilitary groups in some random country somewhere, and rants about how violence is people's only response to their problems. Jonn points out, with some justice, that she's not one to talk. Diana takes this about like you'd expect. I like her already.

06:25: Oh, good, the invisible jet actually now makes its PILOT invisible too. It used to be pretty funny with Wonder Woman looking like she was basically flying, but in a sitting position with a bunch of dotted lines around her.

06:27: And the sports bar is called.... Sports Bar! I'll bet they have a gas station called Gas Station, a bank called Bank, and a Mutant Reviewers branch called Bunch of Lunatics.

06:43: "Just because I disagree with you doesn't make me unpatriotic!" whines an unidentified blond guy.

"No, being a bleeding heart punk makes you unpatriotic," says the knit-hatted and unusually flat-nosed thug who is among the mob about to jump Blondie and his burlier redheaded friend. Humorously enough, the redhead agrees. Ha ha.

06:55: And that's a really femme jukebox for a Sports Bar. Did they wander into some kind of conservative gay bar? No, silly me, then it would be called "Conservative Gay Bar."

07:20: "Hawk!" "Dove!"

Okay, these two seriously seem like a couple. Right down to the political arguments.

07:50: See? And now they're squabbling like old marrieds.

08:20: Hawk snatches up a thug who was about to hit his partner with a pool cue. Nobody does that to his man. Wonder Woman bursts onto the scene accompanied by overbearing musical cue and chastizes the two boys for not answering their summons just because they were busy beating up an entire bar.

08:50: And now we're at some kind of very neat military complex, with nice rows of tanks, missiles standing upright, and spotless camo tents. If this is paramilitary, it's the neatest bunch of guerillas ever.

09:09: Scarily bulgy-eyed friar, complete with tonsure, robe and staff, admonishes a bunch of brown-uniformed goons that they must go attack somewhere with a name that sounds like Bosnia with a K. Surprise. Obviously villainous general guy with scar agrees. Tanks ride out, and then the scary old friar morphs into Ares. Ew.

10:05: Hawk and Dove are in Wonder Woman's plane, still arguing. Dove maintains that "almost all aggression can be cured with education," apparently having forgotten that he kicked a fair number of butts back in the bar. Or maybe he considers himself uneducated, having barely just got his GED.

10:34: Ares' robot stomps around what looks like postwar Warsaw, blowing up tanks and such while various paramilitary-ish guys fight in the background. Dove stops exactly one altercation by taking one guy's gun and telling them both to "scram." Apparently very disturbed by the obviously gay man in the blue and white uniform, they run away. The two sides are clarified as Brownshirts vs. Camos, and the Camos have the robot.

11:22: Wonder Woman flies up, grabs the robot by a leg, and throws it into a building. Where was she in the last episode, anyway? Getting her nails done? And I changed my mind, by the way. I think she strode into a Marvel comic, beat up Rogue and took her powers. Supergirl is now whimpering in a coma somewhere, and good riddance.

11:38: "There's no one inside that thing! How do you fight that?" says Hawk, uncomfortable with destroying something that isn't manned by a killable human being. I leave to your imagination Wonder Woman's answer.

11:50: Ouch, swatted with a tank. But they're still alive, though both are too stunned to move out of the way of the robot as it lifts the tank above its head, preparing to crush them. Then the screen goes dark, where a commercial break would be if this were on TV. I'm guessing it will light up again in time to show them jump up and run rapidly to one side, thus solving their terrible dilemma.

12:10: Hah. Wonder Woman grabs Hawk and scoots them both out of the way. He was too dumb to figure that one out on his own. He looks mildly nauseated that he's being held by a woman. But then, we've already established that he's gay.

12:13: And now she's grabbed both of them and taken off into the air to avoid a thrown object. "Hey!" says Dove, who would rather be crushed by a tank than rescued by a girl.

12:30: Wonder Woman drops them on a hilltop, where argument ensues. Hawk is angry that she pulled them "right out of battle," while Dove points out that she saved their lives. Wonder Woman argues that they were having no effect on the robot, so there was no point in continuing. I don't think she knows she's in a superhero cartoon, do you? Next she'll be trying to use logic.

13:15: Ares gives the leader of the Camos a hard time for using his Annihilator to run the opposition out of town rather than, oh, annihilating them. Picky, picky.

13:51: Ares demonstrates his godhood by leaning forward at a physically impossible angle to poke a finger at the Camo leader's chest. Camo Leader Guy doesn't appreciate being repeatedly spit on by Ares. (I'm not kidding, there's actual animated saliva going on.) Ares makes with the villain armor and the menacing remarks.

14:45: Wonder Woman pops in to see Hephaestus, who wants to talk about what a nice figure her Mom had when he made her the armor Wonder Woman is now wearing. Hephaestus says each of his creations has an Achilles heel, "so no one gets too powerful." Even gods have a use for engineered redundancy. I am very amused by his statement that "only Zeus is perfect." Apparently Hephaestus doesn't know ol' Zeus too well.

15:50: I think he just said she was fat. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

16:02: Dove apologizes to a sentry for rendering him unconscious by... um... I'm not sure exactly. He didn't hit him in the head, and he wasn't totally covering his mouth and nose, and it took like five seconds. Maybe people from Kosnia can't hold their breath for more than two, or doves actually have some kind of poison gas attack of which I'm unaware. I'm pretty sure most doves can't break guns in half or move at super speed, either. See, this is why I never read D.C. Comics.

16:30: Camo Leader Guy turns out to be Ares in disguise, to Dove's surprise. Ares sarcastically promises him "Eternal peace - after I'm done with you, that is." Dove likes forceful men and is no doubt disinclined to resist.

16:40: The screen goes black for about five seconds. I guess this was another commercial break moment, or we're supposed to be imagining what Ares is doing to Dove.

16:57: Whoops, I guess Hawk just said he and Dove are brothers. Hawk is taking the approach of tying up the other side's leader and hauling him off over one shoulder like a potato sack. This is foiled by the sudden explosions from outside.

17:17: Whoa, RPGs have less of a kick than you'd think.

17:28: Now Dove is strapped spreadeagled to the front of the robot. That Ares. Kinky.

17:40: Hawk freaks out and charges to his brother's rescue, then tries to pry the robot's head off. Ares strolls along casually batting aside guys with guns, none of whom is smart enough to aim for his head. The robot tosses Hawk into a tree. Funny, I don't remember a sturdy oak being there on the bare, scrubby battlefield in the last scene.

18:18: More wrist deflection by Wonder Woman. Nobody tries aiming for her kneecaps, either. The Annihilator wades into the Brownshirt lines, deflecting many bullets. The no doubt numerous fatalities due to ricochet are not shown.

18:45: Hawk bats the robot with the tree. Ha ha. Another tank is thrown in retaliation. Where did these supposed paramilitary guys even get this many tanks? Are they selling drugs to raise money?

19:20: Dove rescues the Brownshirt leader from getting squished by the robot. He holds him in his arms briefly, but decides he's not into older men. Brownshirt mutters something unintelligible - the men are toothsome? The gents can talk some? Your buns are awesome? - and passes out or dies. Dove looks understandably puzzled and speeds off.

19:40: "I don't take orders from women!"

Wonder Woman almost pulps a sexist Brownshirt before realizing the Annihilator is fueled by rage in its environment. No doubt quickly organizing a singalong will cure the longstanding grudges of this Balkanized little republic that's been at war with itself for probably hundreds of years.

20:25: This is actually pretty cool. Dove is facing down the robot without attacking it, since he's the only non-angry one here. Wonder Woman restrains Hawk from trying to rescue his brother, taking another opportunity to grab hold of the big lug. "Doonnnnn!" You know, I really think they actually ARE a couple, and the whole brothers thing is just a weak cover story. They look nothing alike.

21:00: The Brownshirts put down their weapons, and the robot shuts down before it gets a chance to squish Dove. Wonder Woman reluctantly releases Hawk.

21:12: "Sometimes it takes more strength NOT to fight," Wonder Woman says, in case we weren't already concussed from being beaten about the head with this episode's message. This is sort of like Marvel's Bruce Banner preaching the value of self control. Not that unlikely, but still odd.

21:20: Ares stomps out from wherever it is he's been hiding and berates everyone for not fighting each other. Wonder Woman informs him that he has lost, and he takes her word for it. After all, he's just a god. What does he know? He vanishes in a nifty flame effect after promising to show up wherever there's ignorance and prejudice. Wonder Woman watches smugly, secure in the knowledge that he will be stuck in trailer parks and corporate boardrooms for the rest of his days.

21:56: Dove tries to rub it in, but Hawk is having none of it. After all, Dove and Dove would make a pretty stupid superhero team name. The Brownshirts and Camos make an uneasy truce which will no doubt last until somebody insults somebody's sister or runs over somebody else's goat. Credits roll to triumphant guitars blaring. Little did I realize that Jonn's last name is J'onnz.