Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

They're at Nimbus III. Transporters don't work — Sybok seriously lucked out at getting the only Federation starship this broken to respond to him — and a Klingon vessel is on its way. Kirk shrugs, says to hell with it, and they leave the planet to the Klingons and their working transporters. Or, they don't. Stupid mind fantasies of mine. They have 1.9 hours to mount a rescue, and away we go in a crappy shuttle effects shot!

To give the rescue squad some time, Chekov calls Sybok and pretends to be the captain. This is only to provide us with more V's-pronounced-as-W's humor. "You are in wiolation of Neutral Zone treaty!" Ha. Ha. "Your threats amuse me, Captain Chekov," Sybok sneers. "What threats do you have in mind?" Is this guy so dense or what? How about a photon torpedo up your Vulcan butt, followed by a transporter beam locking on to the only Vulcan source on the planet and beaming him into the system's sun? Oh, that's right, Sybok somehow knows that he's facing a gimped opponent. Sybok tells Chekov and his first officer to beam down, and Chekov is all like, "Oh, sure, that's not the dumbest thing I've heard today, Mr. Hostage Taker."

For reasons of stealthiness, the A-Team lands far away from the city instead of on top of Sybok's bar and grill. Unfortunately, it's too far to walk there in time… but fortunately, Kirk spies some horsies! What's up with this movie and horses? The A-Team must distract the horses' guardians somehow… and seeing as how they're not going to spring for some cheap phasers-on-stun fighting right now, we engage in the most notorious moment of Trek movie lore.

If you need to scream, please cover your mouth with a pillow.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's Uhura's time to shine. After years of having some metal earplug sticking out of her head and repeating "Hailing frequencies open, Captain" so often she mutters it nonstop in her sleep, Uhura is given a chance to prove she's more than some telephone operator in a miniskirt. So, no more skirt! Or anything else. A naked senior citizen Uhura croons while doing a palm branch "fan dance" on the top of a sand dune. Dude. Uhura. Naked. Why? WHYYYYY? This scene implodes under the weight of its horrific implications - Kirk assumes there's no other way to get his horses than demand that one of his female crew members strip and do a sleazy dance for the all-male guards, and Uhura is more than happy to oblige. Not to mention their gross assumption that all of these guys are not family men and would willingly lunge at the first semi-nude apparition that appears in the desert.

I would give anything to know what Nichelle Nichols said when she read that moment in the script. I bet it sounded something like "Duck that!" and a firm slap upside the head to Mr. Shatner for even writing it.

End result: they got their horses and an essential member of the bridge officers will no longer be taken seriously by any of crew from this moment onwards. "Be one with the horse!" Kirk voice-overs to Spock as they ride into town.

They waltz into town screaming that the Federation is right behind them. Again, this isn't a Mad Max or Braveheart setting — science fiction isn't typically scared of a ten-foot wall and a measly gate. Why does the Galactic Army of Light (GAL, for short) consider this a safe refuge when a massive starship is orbiting right above their heads? Spock does a scan for the hostages, telling Kirk to "hold your horse, Captain." Har-de-har-har. They begin their attack on the town.

Sybok, still conversing with Chekov for the past hour or so, hears the phaser shots and goes nuts. He seems genuinely surprised that the good guys are actually fighting, so I guess he thought he was in the Picard era, where the Federation would much prefer to talk you to death before ever taking action. Sorry, bud, this is Kirk's Wild Ride, and we're all just passengers hanging on by our fingernails. To recap: Sybok's plan assumed that a Federation ship would come, reach them first, not transport any of them away, willingly beam down the two highest-ranking members of the crew into a hostage situation, and no rescue teams would be launched. What world does this guy live in? The Planet of Galactic Pipe Dreams?

Kirk goes judo-chop on a few guys, and a standard chaotic action sequence unfolds. Spock gets a nifty moment by performing the Vulcan nerve pinch on a horse (heh). The bad guys open up with a homemade gatling minigun (!) and an Enterprise red shirt gets chewed up. Kirk goes into the bar and is attacked by catwoman, complete with catty sound effects. He throws her into the wet pool table, and that is that. Water > Cat. Spock and Kirk find the hostages, who — in a completely surprising move that in no way we could see coming — draw their weapons and demand that the Enterprise crew surrender. Well played, Sybok. Well played.

Spock and Sybok meet at last, and while emotional Vulcan is happy, repressed feelings Vulcan is a bit put off and tries to arrest Sybok. Wonder why? Sibling rivalry? Oops, I gave away the big secret! Bad Justin. I know I haven't mentioned Scraggly Guy in a while, but apparently he's become Sybok's Number One, so you often see him shadowing the loony Vulcan around, his mouth constantly hanging open like a corpse retrieved from a fire. Close your trap, buddy. Flies and all that.

Once he hears that Sybok wants to jack the Enterprise, Kirk does the head-slappingly stupid move of announcing that he's the real captain. Great move, there. That's like Bruce Willis not only willingly turning himself over to Alan Rickman, but then going the extra distance and helping the terrorists search for some extra guns. All of the hundred-plus GAL extras throw a party on the spot.

On board Captain Chekov's Enterprise, Scotty is monitoring the approaching Bird of Prey, and Chekov orders shields to be raised. I'm surprised they didn't announce that shields had failed, and Scotty would have to wrap up the Enterprise in protective tin foil or something. For an engineer, Scotty certainly spends a lot of time away from the engines, I've noticed.

"Um, we're getting a lot of sparks here, Dad!"

Chekov informs the Galileo (Kirk's shuttle) about the situation and tells them to go back and hide on the planet. Sybok and only a handful of followers — so few as to be easily overcome, if Kirk would stop his head-jerking overacting to do so — orders the shuttle to stay on course and get on the ship, even though doing so will endanger the Enterprise. I love Sybok's genius mind. I'd love even more to get him and Khan in the same room, and then come back five minutes later to witness Khan picking bits of Sybok out of his teeth. Kirk calls Enterprise and tells them to expect "Emergency Landing Plan… B". The pause is in no way suspicious. Of course, Chekov, Spock, Sulu, Scotty, Uhura and whatshisname have no idea what Kirk is talking about, but Kirk is no longer existing in the same reality as the rest of them. In his mind, he's on a galloping horse, shouting "Geronimo!" and waving a lasso at a naughty, naked Klingon.

"B," Kirk says. "As in 'barricade'." Why this makes sense to Scotty, I have no idea, but Scotty instantly grasps the plan. "Barricade" in Starfleet lingo means "A crash and burn stop". It's in all the novels. As Sybok freaks out yet again, Sulu gets points for snarking that it's his "first attempt" in no effort to calm anybody. Long story short: they make a quick crash landing, the Klingons don't get to cowardly assassinate Kirk, and the garage is totally ruined. The Enterprise jumps into warp and Sybok's other 89 followers are left behind to rot. Nice guy, Sybok.

Vulcans love the paintball

You'd think that after a massive crash landing by the shuttle, the bay would be swarming with… well, anyone… but it's quiet. Too, too quiet. Sybok recovers faster than Kirk and gets his gun, but they start tussling in the near-darkness outside the shuttle. Spock gets the gun, but refuses to fire it at Sybok. Kirk's screaming "Shoot him!", which makes sense considering this guy is a terrorist, hostage taker and responsible for at least one Enterprise crew member's death. Spock's "feelings" get the best of him, however. You think Spock might've tried to find a phaser after the crash or gone with a Vulcan nerve pinch, but he just stands there like a lump on a log. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are sent to the brig; Kirk is pissed.

Sulu and Uhura are kept behind, for brainwashing, lobotomy and reprogramming. "Don't be afraid," Dar says, her hair sticking up into a point about two feet above her head. Sister, you're being led by a Vulcan who looks like a Grateful Dead groupie. I'm terrified. I guess this means the end of Sulu and Uhura being interesting characters for the rest of the film.

Above the bay, in a control booth, Scotty sees the hijacking in progress and begins to verrrrry slowly move away. Scotty, hit the alarm! Call the bridge! Go to your engine room and shove a dozen phasers in the arms of your coworkers and declare that they're now enlisted into Scotty's Army of Darkness! Pathetic.

Shatner teaches hand acting

In the brig, Kirk is in the middle of a full-fledged snit. Belaying Trek tradition of clean talk, he's cursing up a storm and threatening to beat Spock into the ground. McCoy offers to hold him down (heh). "Why Spock why?" Kirk says, hands flailing independently of his mouth. Spock then lowers the bombshell: Sybok is his half-brother. Trekkies around the world go "hur?" and begin to furiously flip through thousands of pages of source material to see if there's any evidence for this new factoid. There is not. "You made that up," Kirk says. No, YOU made that up, Shatner. Sybok's mother was a Vulcan "princess", apparently, so Sybok is a bonafide prince and can marry Princess Vespa once he rescues her from Dark Helmet.

Stupid nitpicking side note: all of this half-brother stuff seems news to McCoy as well, even though in Star Trek III he played host to all of Spock's memories for a great length of time. Shouldn't he remember this?

Stupid observation: Kirk sits on a seat in the brig with a label "Do not use while in stardock." What does being in stardock have anything to do with a seat? [Reader Justin B. sent this in: "That seat is a toilet, with the lid down. Presumably it just vents to the exterior, so you wouldn't want to use it in an enclosed space. Why it isn't connected to temporary services when in dock is the question."]

Sybok takes the bridge, and Chekov is up next for mind-muddling. This whole plot element is deliberately vague — Sybok "frees" people he meets from their deepest ONE inner source of pain, and then they suddenly become glowingly happy zombie followers… why? Does he use this moment of weakness to overcome their will, or are they just so blissful that they're willing to turn their back on decades of experience and memories to act contrary to themselves?

Back in the brig, Kirk is failing to escape while Spock oh-so-modestly mentions that he was a test guinea pig for Starfleet's design of the room. How does one get into that line of work?

Does Sybok's shirt look a bit like an angry face to anyone else?

This is an odd hijacking — Sybok doesn't have nearly enough crew to be anywhere else than the bridge, so the rest of the crew is presumably free to continue on with their jobs. Yet no-one is trying to retake the ship, nor is anyone really alarmed about all this. Did Sybok free everyone of their pain while we weren't looking? Even with a skeleton crew, that'd take a little while, I'd imagine. Sybok starts in on a dull speech to the ship ("My ancestors made love with their hearts," he says. Okay, ew. How does that work?) and eventually gets around to the point that he's taking them across the great barrier to the center of the galaxy to get to "Sha Ka Re", aka God's Crib. Legend says that "Sha Ka Re" refers to "Sean Connery", who Shatner wanted for the role of Sybok. I think it's better to focus your attention on the question of why Sybok thinks the center of the galaxy is where God is (why not another galaxy?).

A major point of Trek contention — as if any fan could really limit themselves to just one in this movie — is that the great barrier was previously established as a limiting force field of some kind that enshells the Milky Way galaxy. Not the center core. I do not care, of course.