The Star Wars Holiday Special

Back to the Falcon, still flying. Han begins foreshadowing his love of Chewie and his family with a small yet disturbing comment and a hand on Chewie’s arm. More stock footage from ANH as the Falcon lands on Kashyyyk. They land far away from the house to avoid detection, but still fly right over it so that everyone knows they’re here. The Wookiees get all excited and throw open the door… to the drawn guns of Stormtroopers! Ahh!

The 70’s commercials are ten kinds of awesome. One of them has an army of Union Women Dressmakers marching and singing a shrill patriotic tune.

Even Stormtroopers celebrate Life Day!

The Stormtroopers, well, storm inside the house. No soup for you. A couple other Imperial dudes stroll in as well. They walk around, establishing their evilness by appraising the furniture and letting the bombastic music play on. Art Carney tries to cover for Chewie’s absence, babbling on while the officer asks for his ID and a Stormtrooper puts a blaster in his face. Lumpy does try to bite one of the Imperials, and almost gets a smack down… but Carney intervenes. He also doesn’t stop talking, which isn’t suspicious or anything. I don’t know what these Wookiees are so afraid of the Imperials finding, anyway. Carney starts a device to impress the Imperial officer — it’s another holographic device that makes Jefferson Starship appear for their song cameo. Subtlety: it’s the backbone of the Rebel Alliance. The officer sits there watching with a stupid grin on his face. Personally, I have a stupid grimace on. It’s not a terrible song, but it is very out of place in a "special" that really has no place.

The Stormtroopers keep pointing guns in Carney’s face, I guess as a comedy bit for him to react to. The one Stormtrooper easily tosses aside a full-grown Wookiee. He’s been working out at the gym, good for him.

As the Imperials continue their overly long stay in the house, Lumpy pulls out his portable DVD player and watches a cartoon based on the adventures of Han Solo. I suppose amid his blockade running and Alliance sympathies, Solo had time to sell the rights of his character to the nearest animation studio. Thus begins the animated portion of SWHS, widely acknowledged as the only good part of the show. We shall see.

It actually isn’t too bad, particularly for 70’s animation (and is rumored to be the only segment of this show to have had the direct approval of Lucas). Luke gets to fly a Y-fighter, which can detach the cockpit from the engine section in a nifty bit. He, C3PO and R2D2 are trying to follow Chewie and the Falcon, after receiving a mysterious message which showed Han being hung upside down inside the ship. Crashlanding on a "watery planet", they encounter no less than the Star Wars fan boy’s wet dream, Boba Fett — in his first official Star Wars appearance. Boba befriends (?) Luke and helps him find the Falcon. In the ship, a "sleeping virus" knocks out Luke, but Boba’s spiffy mask helps him stay out of trouble. Boba and Chewie go to a city to find the cure. Boba keeps calling everyone "friend" for no reason. He’s a doll, really. Oh wait! Boba’s actually evil and secretly reports to Darth Vader that he’s got the rebels under his control! R2 taps into the broadcast, so the two droids find out what’s going on, which helps nobody. Chewie and Boba return to the ship and wake up Luke and a really deranged-looking Han. They discover Boba’s badness, and Boba merely leaves instead of taking the good guys hostage. And… that’s it. Short, enjoyable, but definitely lacking there at the end except as a hint to the events in the upcoming Empire Strikes Back.

Man, this guy's got ISSUES.

Meanwhile in the house, the Imperials trash Lumpy’s room (woohoo!), and one guy even goes as far as tearing off the head of Lumpy’s stuffed Bantha doll (haha!). Lumpy holds the head and cries. I’m loving it. Lumpy watches a video with more Korman instructing him how to reconstruct his toys. It’s another unfunny and lame bit, unless you’re a huge fan of watching people try to make jokes out of "insert slot A into tab B" instructions. The real "comedy" comes as Korman pretends he’s a robot that keeps running out of power and talks slowly like a tape player running down. Ack.

While the Stormtroopers keep lounging around this (apparently) one-house planet, the Wookiees watch TV so that the producers could awkwardly interject a Tatooine segment to popularize off of the Cantina Bar scene in ANH. Stock footage abounds. Hey, it’s the Wolfman, my favorite Mos Eisley resident who got cut in the Special Editions! I missed ya, pal!

And if you’re jonesing for the good old days of Golden Girls, Bea Arthur appears as the bartender here! Bea Arthur! I’m frightened! A customer pours a drink into the top of his head for no reason. He then horribly flirts with Bea. It’s worse than any junior high dance you may remember. Without express permission, he starts spooning her from behind. And here you thought the Wookie fantasy machine was bad! As Egon said in Ghostbusters 2, that was short but pointless.

Back in the Wookie hut (do we ever escape this horrid two-room hell?) Stormtrooper and Wookiee alike are sharing munchies and watch on as Imperial TV Guy comes on to tell everyone that the Tatooine system has some curfew in effect. The whole system? How do you enforce a strict bedtime policy like that for an entire system?

Song... after song... after SONG! ARGH!

Bea Arthur ain’t having that. She dismisses the band… why? Dunno. This is probably the most Star Wars-y set so far, but I can’t say whether they reused parts of the original sets or not. Bea starts whining about the Empire and telling all the aliens to leave. They don’t seem to want to go. They start beating their glasses on the tables. Bea gives in for "one more round on the house." Life goes on! Well… not really. As the band kicks up, Bea starts singing a goodbye song to a slowed version of the Cantina theme. She hugs and dances with the aliens. Where’s those lovable Imperials imposing their curfew now that we need it? At least it gets the aliens out and ends this travesty.

SUMO TIME!

Back in Wookieville, the Imperial troops get a call that finally gets them off their butts and out of there — all except one measly Stormtrooper. Yeah, like that’s an imposing threat. I think we find out that Lumpy’s the one who sent the message, as the Stormtrooper marches into his room. The meanie takes Lumpy’s machine and trashes it, as Lumpy runs away bleating like a wounded lamb. The Stormtrooper runs out to encounter… could it be? Yes! CHEWIE! Chewie does a dumb distraction thing while Han gets the drop on the Stormtrooper (all three of whom have weapons, but since that would require special effects, none fire squat. The ‘trooper is faked out and falls through the flimsiest wooden railing on Kashyyyk to his demise. We’ll miss you pal — you were mean to Lumpy for us!

What can we say? Han LOVES the hugs!

Han starts which will become a long string of Wookie hugs and fondling, as he takes all of Lumpy into his arms and caresses him. Uh, wouldn’t that be the deadbeat dad’s job? Han goes inside and hugs both Malla and Itchy (Have you hugged your Itchy today?). He then gives Lumpy another hug and gets mushy about leaving the family ("his" family, as Han puts it) to go watch the Falcon. Then, before Harrison Ford can escape his destiny, he gives Chewie a big ol’ hug as well. For someone this huggy, Han sure was in a rush to leave. So now we’re left with only Wookies again, un-subtitled growls, Chewie doing something to the wife he hasn’t seen in forever, and general good feelings about. Ah, Life Day.

But lo, in the fields there sat some shepherds, keeping their flocks safe by night. And lo, did Art Carney return, because there’s no freaking way we’re going to sit through more growling here for the next 20 minutes. Imperial TV Guy comes back on calling for the dead Stormtrooper, but Art fakes him out with some pretty bald-faced lies. Art leaves the family with a hearty "May the Force be wit’cha."

Life Day. Because we weren't big enough nerds before this.

Now we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel in both running time and general production values. The silly Life Day ceremony begins, which is celebrated by all the Wookiees putting on red robes and walking through the stars into a radioactive sun. SERIOUSLY. The music doesn’t find this ridiculous at all.

A Fruit of the Loom commercial proudly advertises the great sale of their tighty whitey briefs for only $1.30! That’s for me!

We come back for more Life Day drek. R2 and Threepio are there with the Wookies, wishing that they could be more than just machines (?). Han and Luke and Leia show up… why? From where? Where are they now? Why must this concentrated form of insanity be bottled up in this format? Questions that will never be answered.

"No matter how different we may appear," says a falsely cheery Carrie Fisher, "We are ALL the SAME in our struggle against evil… blah blah… life is awesome… blah blah… powers of darkness… blah blah... gold bikini…" I don’t need to tell you that there’s a heap of fondling going on during this, do I?

This... this song could DESTROY you.

Here we come to the big payoff — no, not Boba Fett, or some Bantha decapitation, but PRINCESS LEIA SINGING. I don’t like to use all caps for that many words in a row, except to try to express my true horror at this event. Carrie Fisher launches into a truly laughable ballad that uses the general theme to Star Wars in the background: "A day that takes us through the darkness / A day that leads us into life / A day that leads us to celebrate / A lifeeeee! / To live! / To laugh! / To dream! / To grow! / To know!"

As she sings and we writhe in mortal agony, the camera pans around to the various people standing in their own personal purgatories. It’s. Really. Bad. It’s been recorded that Fisher, at an interview in the 80’s, denies remembering being in this show. If you like, you may suggest cocaine involvement. I’m sure no one will stop you.

With nothing much else left, the show stirs up the Award Ceremony theme, and clips from the movie flash by. Life Day: It needs sprucing up. There’s also a commercial for Star Wars toys after, which is a heaping of nostalgia for clunky plastic parts.

Oh wait, there’s more? Yup. Chewie sits down with his family for dinner and they bow to pray to Jesus, who also celebrates Life Day. Chewie thanks himself that he only has to see his inept family once a year. And then… CREDITS! Yes!

So what have we learned from this disaster? I came away with these:

1. Han has a "thing" for Wookiees, and I don’t want to know any more than that.

2. If Boba Fett calls you "friend" a hundred times in a row, he’s probably going to double-cross ya.

3. Carrie Fisher should never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever sing anywhere again.

4. Wookiees really aren’t so hot. I kind of root for the Empire enslaving them now.

5. The Empire isn't full of just evil people, but also petty crooks and toy-destroyers.