Cheerleader Camp

I've always been a huge fan of hand-drawn movie posters, particularly of the 80's variety where the artist tries to cram in as much detail as possible about the movie. This poster tries its ever-loving hardest to cram in both horror and comedy, and God bless it if I don't love it for the effort.

1. Undercarriage. Movie posters are, above all, marketing devices to make one want to see a movie. Shrewdly knowing where the first place any hot-blooded male would be looking on the poster, they came up with a lure that would draw them in... TO CERTAIN DESTRUCTION!

2. And no matter how tantalizing #1 might be, you can't help but harbor mixed feelings of arousal when you scan up and find yourself looking at a jaunty winking skull. The skull is the masterpiece of the poster, worthy of intensive graduate course studies. Look at it! It's not just winking (at first, I thought it might be a pirate patch), but it's got a thick mane of luxuriously shampooed and conditioned hair, earrings that are somehow attached to nonexistent ears, and a mouth that's somehow twisted up into a very happy smile. We're also left to wonder how this girl lost all of the flesh from the neck up, but still seems pretty intact elswhere. I'm guessing picky scarab beetles.

3. Metallic tumbleweeds, in the process of devouring her hands.

4. You might well miss the side details of this poster, with Ms. Winks-A-Lot in the center, but I beg you to divert your attention momentarily. Here we have a frightened human-sized alligator, on the run from a mad chef wielding a hatchet. I don't care who you are, this image makes it an absolute priority in your life that you see this movie, just to figure out how these elements factor into it.

5. A couple of lazy fatalities — a woman hanging out of a second story window, a couple legs poking off to the right there — are there to let you know that things are not All Right in cheerleaderville. As if Skull Pom Chick suggested otherwise. However, for all we know, these two girls are alive; the one might be reaching down for a cat she just dropped, and the other one sunbathing while taking a break from wearing her dunce cap.

6. To the left, we are witness to a scene that defies all logical explanation and should probably remain that way. While an innocent couple lounge about in swimwear, an unstealthy pervert stands two feet away with a periscope while a giant chicken sneaks up from behind. I don't understand. And I don't want to.

7. The film's clever tagline, with bold letters to help you understand the subtle pun. I'd have given my spleen for one more line to be included under that: "What's that spell? Pantaloons!"

7. Yeah, there are two number sevens, maybe because I want to see if you're paying attention and could handle an uncertain factor in your fluff articles, and maybe because the numbering occurred before I had any coffee. Just wanted to point out a small detail I missed the first few times I looked at this poster — the "R" is dripping blood. Or, it was recently painted by a sloppy worker. In either case, nice touch.